I give up! Nothing I do is right! I feel exactly the same way I did when I came into Al-Anon almost 4 years ago. Nothing I do is right. If I talk to that person I'm out of line. If I talk to this person I'm out of line. If I'm angry, I'm out of order. If I'm sad I have no right to be sad. If I'm happy, I'm too happy. Hell, that's the way my alcoholic treated me!

I'm getting this from all sides including my recovery family. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I just can't do this any more. It's what's making me so damned depressed.

I've got to go to a district meeting tomorrow and put up with this attitude again. Jane responded to me once again with this same attitude. I need to refrain from talking to her altogether. Lord, is she an alcoholic? She certainly seems to be exhibiting some alcoholic behavior.

I'm looking at the Four Agreements on my wall. I know that I'm reacting to her. I need not take anything she says personally. What she says and does is her stuff not mine but she's very influential. She can cause a lot of damage with what she says and does. I on the other hand am a peon in Al-Anon. My 4 years do not stand a chance against her 27 years.

Garden Party

As sung by Ricky Nelson

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
No one recognized me, I didn't look the same

CHORUS
But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well.
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself


People came from miles around, everyone was there
Yoko brought her walrus, there was magic in the air
'n' over in the corner, much to my surprise
Mr. Hughes hid in Dylan's shoes wearing his disguise

CHORUS

lott-in-dah-dah-dah, lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Played them all the old songs, thought that's why they came
No one heard the music, we didn't look the same
I said hello to "Mary Lou", she belongs to me
When I sang a song about a honky-tonk, it was time to leave

CHORUS

lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped Johnny B. Goode
Playing guitar like a-ringin' a bell and lookin' like he should
If you gotta play at garden parties, I wish you a lotta luck
But if memories were all I sang, I rather drive a truck

CHORUS

lot-dah-dah-dah (lot-dah-dah-dah)
lot-in-dah-dah-dah

'n' it's all right now, learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself

I had to humble myself and ask my mother for financial help this morning. My gas tank was on empty. She filled it up. I had virtually no groceries in the house and I thought I'd have to give my cats away to keep them taken care of. Mom bought a few things for me. I hated to ask but I had no choice. I have no money coming in until I start this new job. All of my resources have gone toward getting to and from work, a job I began to hate with a passion. Or they went toward seeking recovery for myself.

Linda called just now and I shared all of this with her including my anger at Jane. She's surprised that I haven't KOed Jane before now. The woman has definitely overstepped some boundaries this time.

Linda has offered to loan me the money to keep my truck up and running. I can pay her back a little at a time but she knows my pride. She says she won't call and offer it again. She'll wait on me to ask. I imagine by Tuesday or Wednesday I'll be making that phone call.

She says that Mac is practicing detachment because he has been so upset about how I'm doing. But this is not detachment. This is what I did to Joey. This is breaking off all communication and blaming me for things that aren't my doing. I am not Mac's problem. He can not fix me. I am my own problem.