You know, I've been thinking a lot about that man Job from the Old Testament. He had a lot of faith. I wish I had as much faith as he did. I'm a work in progress I guess. I just feel so utterly hopeless this morning because the light is already blinking red on the security box beneath the dashboard.

I don't consider myself a dishonest person. I try to abide by the rules. But I've been in desperate situations before and I know what I'm capable of doing. Sometimes it's minor- rearranging money (robbing Peter to pay Paul so to speak), borrowing money and then repaying it. Those are fairly honest things to do. But, oh my goodness I feel like I'm doing a 5th step here, there was a time when I was in such dire straits that I wrote checks knowing I had no money and I once took one of my mother's credit cards to help pay bills. Thankfully the credit card was no good and I never had to go to jail for the bounced checks. I always made good on them.

Here I sit with no money coming in. I've already written a $35 check to Centerstone for that visit and I may have to write another $200 check just to keep the truck running. The amount that Linda is sending will cover both of them if the checks don't get deposited before her money gets here. She said it's going out in the mail today. The Centerstone check won't be deposited until Monday. I may be able to just barely make it. But, oh, how this scares me.

I'm also holding the treasury for my home group here. In that lies the money I need. It would be dishonest to take it. But I really hate to have it in my possession. I don't trust myself, you see.

I'm grateful that my mother's financial situation is taken care of and that she willingly puts gas in my truck for taking her on her errands. It's actually cheaper for her to help me than to take a cab. I just hate shopping with her. Here we are buying her groceries and I have very few for myself. She never thinks to invite me over to eat with them. I'd have a problem with going because I'd have to clean her home before I'd sit down. God, how I hate feeling this way about my family! I just can't take care of them. I can't do all that everyone wants me to do. I was hoping she'd get a cleaning person and one to transport her places out of all these case workers. She desperately needs the help and I'm not the one to do it any more. I'm barely able to take care of me these days.

I have to keep telling myself what that 14th century mystic, Julia of Norwich, said, "All is well. And all shall be well." Today I feel like everything is far from well. I feel like I need someone to be in the company of today because I don't want to be alone. And I've got to keep myself together because tonight we have a speaker coming for our Al-Anon group. I'm the only who she really knows. I hate being put in that position, too. I want to just be a regular Al-Anon member who shows up like everyone else. I don't want the responsibility for a group. I just can't do this any more.

Time to do a gratitude list before I get any more depressed.

A- Angels ( I think mine are working over time), air conditioning (last year I did without it because it was broken)
B- Bellsouth (they haven't cut my phone off yet)
C- Computer, cats (even though they won't let me sleep in), clean clothes
D- DVDs (since I've let my cable go they're all I have for entertainment)
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Fatih (even though mine is waning)
G- God, grace, gratitude
H- Hope (even though I really feel like Pandora right now), Holly for telling me about the Dalia Lama
I- Internet
J- Julia of Norwich, job (I grateful to have one to start next week)
K- Kenny
L- Linda, Lois (she taught me how to do stain glass pictures last night)
M- Mom (for putting up with my sour disposition), Marian
N- Nickels (I'm cashing in mine along with all the pennies I have)
O- Outdoors (It's not gotten too hot yet), options, opportunies
P- Potted meat ( they make pretty good sandwiches)
Q- Quiet time to pray and meditate
R- Radio, rain (we desperately need some.), rosary prayers
S- Synchronicity, serenity, sanity
T- Truck ( I hope I can keep it)
U- Unconditional love
V- Vibrator ('nuff said)
W- Willingness to listen, to hope, to have faith, to learn
X- Xena (where is she when I need her?)
Y- Yahoo
Z- ZZZZ (yesterday I took 3 naps and still slept through the night)

Well, I feel a little better now. God sent me a message after this was written. (It's not the first time this message has been sent to me and it probably won't be the last. I'm a little hard headed.) So, I need to add that I am thankful for my circumstances, also.


-----Thorns..... Thank You Lord


Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy.

This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.


"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I. . .I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched – was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with, uh. . .She left with no flowers!" "That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special.' I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "Why? Why me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement. . .twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too. . .fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read: “My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.

"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God."