Yesterday I spent just enough time in my mother's presence to feel small and insignificant. I've been worried enough about my situation that I really didn't need the guilt trip applied. She wondered out loud how much money she had invested in me over the years. It took me back to what she said 13 years ago when I moved back to help her out. At that time she said something about not doing a very good job of raising me because I could not stand on my own. I was in debt then, true enough- I have never been able to balance a check book- but I was never without a job. I have always tried to do for myself.

It's interesting that my mother can forget all the times I sunk entire paychecks into her home- remodeling, repairs- buying her groceries and paying her bills or the times I've dropped everything and physically come to her aid. She only remembers what went on during my marriage. If I asked for money at any time it was because I was at the end of my rope. Generally the times she got asked were due to my alcoholic's spending.

Oh, well, I pretty much shook off what she said and went on. But in the back of my mind I wondered if her words might trigger another bout of depression for me. I thought about the Four Agreements and heard Marian's voice in my ear, "Don't take it personal." So, I let it go. I did talk about how I was feeling about that conversation in the meeting last night. It was just Lois and I. I'm not sure I want to devulge a lot of information to her. I don't really trust her all that much but she's all there is right now.

There was supposed to be a new comer last night. An NA member called me from the meeting house yesterday afternoon while he was attending the business meeting and told me about his friend's mother. He asked if he could give her my phone number and if there was a meeting. No phone call thus far and she was not in attendence at the meeting. Oh, well. It wasn't meant to be. I don't think I'd have been much use to a newcomer right now any way.

This morning I have an appointment with Dr. Brann. I'm told there is a blood test that can check my hormone level. I'm kind of hoping that he finds something. This emotional roller coaster I'm on has slowed down enough for me to cope.

I think a part of why I am calm is that I finally let go of the situation that I'm in. I decided that I'd done all I could do and worrying about it only made it worse. It's funny that I did that the day before my friend sent me the one word advice "surrender."

I woke up again at 3:00 in the morning. I wonder who it is that has me in their thoughts this much? I know whomever it is loves like no one else does. This person has been lifting me up in prayer a lot lately because I can feel it. Elyce asked me how I could feel such a thing. It's hard to explain really but it's as if God is in the room with me, telling me that someone is praying to Him on my behalf. It's not the first time this has happened for me. I've had this feeling before. Back two years ago when the screaming started in my classroom and my childhood memories came back to haunt me, I went into an Al-Anon meeting and described what I was going through and asked for prayers. The next morning in the wee hours I felt God's presence in my bedroom. Someone was praying for me then, too. Who knows? It might be the same person who is praying for me this time but that is unlikely. The same people no longer come to meetings.

Linda has asked me to work on her family tree so that she can find out some things about herself. She's offered to pay me. I generally don't charge anything. I leave it up to the person I'm doing research for to decide how much my efforts are worth. It's ironic that she asks me to do this for her last night because this morning I look at my perpetual calendar and see:

"Other People can give you clues, but only you can solve the mystery that is you."

But I will do what I can for my friend. The research will help me get my focus back and keep me occupied.

Linda and I talked about my feelings regarding Mac. I do miss him and my feelings have been hurt. I don't know what I've done to disturb him so much. She's talked to him on the phone and via e-mail. She doesn't think his distance is totally related to me. I'm sure it's not but I'd still like to make things right between us. It hurts to lose friends. But it's ironic that Kenny steps into the picture at the time that Mac steps out. It's also ironic that my silent friend decides to answer an e-mail after so many have been sent. It gives me pause to think about so many things.

I believe I know these men for a reason. I talked about that last night with Lois. I think their presence in my life is to help me work through part of my program that the Al-Anons can not help me with. They are men, yes, but because they are gay or bi-sexual they present a safe means for me to work through my sexual issues without fear of becoming physically involved. Kenny also affords me the opportunity to have a study buddy in the synchronicity and mysticism field. It is what he pursues. Because he lives in a different place, I'm more apt to respect boundaries. Both of these topics are what Mac and I talked about a lot but he lost his focus. It was what I needed to talk to my other friend about, too, but I never felt that he welcomed my questions or my conversation about those areas. It was if he was struggling with those areas himself.

I've been watching The Stand over the course of the last few days. At first I drug it out because I needed to see something depicting the subject of dream interpretation and inner voice. But then something else dawned on me in relation to the character of Tom Cullen. I have been around mental illness and mental retardation all my life. It is what is familiar to me. It covered up my father's alcoholism so that I did not realize that he was an alcoholic until I came into
Al-Anon. But it also is what prevented me from seeing help at various times during my life. I did not want to be labeled as mentally ill. I know that I'm not mentally ill. I realize that I'm having a hard time coping with what is happening to me because I did not have healthy role models as a child in dealing with life's little crisis.

Watching the character of Tom in this movie showed me something important. His innocence protects his faith. So that even a crisis he maintains his faith. He trusts people, too, until they prove to be unworthy of his trust. I think that's what Jesus meant when he said you had to be like a child to go to heaven. The faith is pure and so is the trust. Maybe that is what this summer is all about for me.

My new friend, Kenny, is a hoot! His e-mails make me laugh. Apparently he's been placed in my life for a reason. I'm not sure if it is to teach or to learn. I think he lives in California judging from his phone number. I think he must live near the California/ Arizona state line. Yeah, we've exchanged phone numbers. It'll be interesting to see who calls whom first. Wait until he gets a load of my country drawl. It'll blow his mind!

Dr. Brann is still talking about fertility treatment! I couldn't believe it. Even after I told him that Joey and I were no longer married, he's still talking about me having a baby! What? Why on earth would I explore that? I'm not it a relationship of any kind right now and it really doesn't look like I'm about to start one any time soon. If he's talking about artificial insemination, I wouldn't be opposed to it but I'd like to know the donor rather than go to a stranger. By knowing the donor I'd at least be able to tell the child something about the father. But I'm not even considering it. This line of talk was almost as strange as the conversation I had with the deacon about annullment. I had not even worried about that because like I said I'm not dating anyone.

Dr. Brann did the routine pap smear. Oh, how I love hearing how small my cervex is because I haven't had a baby. (big eye roll on that one). He ordered some blood tests. I should hear about that in a few days. He also ordered a mammogram. Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Men invented that test. No woman in her right mind would invent a test that tortures women that badly. Oh, my God. Just thinking about it causes me to hurt. I go for that test on Friday morning at 8:00.

Lois took me to lunch after we had the bank add her to our Al-Anon account as treasurer and take Mary off. We went to the Hope House warehouse afterward. I can see some things I'd like to buy.

Mail has not run or I don't have any. I'm not sure which one. I am anxiously awaiting this credit card. I need to cover the checks I wrote last week.