Yesterday I gained some insight into my friend Kenny. He confided some things about himself to me that were awesome. Financially he is blessed and cursed. He carries a heavy burden that I can not begin to imagine. It must be terrible not knowing whether people are being sincere or not when they meet you and are aware of who you are. He could have remained silent about all of that and I'd never have known. I mean, why would I have investigated such a thing. I did wonder where he lived only because I think it is so awesome to have people from all over the world corresponding to this on-line Al-Anon group. I had pretty much already figured out what his occupation was from the picture he sent me. I wasn't far off base but I was just scraping the iceburg.

I don't know what he must think of me. It's really not my responsibility to give him any impression of me. I am who I am. I came into this world with nothing and I will leave the same way. I really don't have the time to waste worrying about what others think. I do sometimes get into that people pleasing mode where I want everyone to like me but most of the time I am aware that I am loved.

I've come a long way in my thinking. I guess I used to put people in boxes a lot more than I do now. I think society does that. There's the box for each race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, and economic status. There are boxes for our interests and hobbies. The list could go on and on. I think where I am right now is that I just want to know the person without the stigma. That person is "just Joe". I can see his skin color and kind of tell some other things about him by my awareness of how he conducts himself or dresses. What I want to be able to do is look beyond the obvious and remain oblivious of the things he can tell me and see "just Joe". I think that is this principal known as anonymity. Maybe my new friend serves as a test for me.

And then there is this gnawing suspicion in the back of my mind. It's easy to meet people on-line and be taken in by their stories only to discover that they weren't being truthful. What a drag! I don't have the time any more to pretend I'm something or someone I'm not. I am who and what I am. Love me or leave me be. I appreciate others who are the same.

I talked to Linda about Kenny today. She is like me. He could be lying about who he is. I take everything I'm told with a grain of salt. But something tells me he's pretty genuine. He may have fudged on a few things but I'm doubtful that everything he's told me is a lie. He's a little different. His mannerism, his way of talking, are kind of out there. That's why I think he's being fairly honest. I guess the way I look at it is this, he needs something I have and must need it pretty badly to pursue a friendship of some sort. He sounds lonely and in need of love.

On my makeshift computer desk is a slab of rock that Vicki gave me for my birthday this year. It simply says, "God is love." It's not a fancy gift but to me it is invaluable. It is invaluable because it came from someone I admire, respect and love. It is also invaluable because it came at a time when I needed to be reminded that I am loveable, capable of loving and loved. It serves as a reminder that no matter how bad things get, God really is aware of my situation and loves me. He has not turned His back on me. He's here. He knows my situation and He's teaching me something today through the trials that He sends me.

Next to that slab is my perpetual calendar given to me for Christmas a few years ago by a very loving teacher who worked down the hall from me. She sort of took in my situation a few years ago with my alcoholic and extended her love towards me. Last year whenever I got stressed and was in the right frame of mind I saught this woman out. She was a calming influence, a soothing balm. I thought to myself, "I want to be like her." She is so much like the St. Francis prayer. It is love in action. I learned on Friday that she retired this year. She didn't do it with the fanfare that other previously had done. She is not that kind of person. If I should go back to that school I will greatly miss her presence.

Today my perpetual calendar speaks volumes:

Perhaps the way is steep,
then climb it;
Perhaps the way is deep,
then swim it;
But are to risk it,
dare to try it.
Dare to push and move the limit.


Life is full of risks and decisions. No one can make my decisions for me. I have to do the footwork for myself. Sometimes I wish others could do for me. It would relieve me of responsibility. But I am a responsible person. I step up to the plate and I take whatever comes. I always admired the things I heard about leaders that did that. My favorite biograpy is about President Truman. That saying, "The buck stops here." always spoke volumes to me. What he was saying was that when responsibility landed on his desk, rather than pass it on to someone else or ignore it, he made a decision and stuck by it. If it was a bad decision he took the lumps- he did not point fingers and try to blame someone else for his actions. He stood by what he said or did. I think that's the way everyone should be.

Today I have the same problems looming large on the horizon but I am not looking at them. I can only concentrate on what lies in front of me. The horizon represents the unknown. While I may fear the unknown, I can prepare myself for the journey into it but I can not speculate as to what lies there. I will face it when I get there. It is tempting to set down my burden or to pass it on to someone else to handle for me but that is not walking in faith and it is putting my faith in a human being not my Higher Power.

I also talked to Linda about Mac. I'm so hurt by his actions. I don't understand what happened and why he's turned his back on me. I didn't do anything to him. He has a few conversations with Elaine or Ann or both and suddenly I'm the bad guy. I don't know what's going on and I really don't care any more. I miss my friendship with him but maybe I'd rather not be friends with him at all. I told Linda if he attempted to talk to me I was going to tell him to go to Hell. I don't need friends like this. Right now I don't know how I feel about him but it's borderline hatred. I've voiced my resentment about this to Kenny and all he says is that that kind of attitude does not promote growth. He's right of course but as Linda says I'm entitled to my feelings and my opinions. They are mine after all.

I've sat quietly in communion with God today. I went by the ATM. The deposit I made yesterday looks larger than what I remember making by a few dollars. I feel as if my inner voice is telling me to take some of that money to put on my cell phone. I may need to use my cell phone to call the Help Center. I don't know if I qualify for any assistance but I think I probably ought to try. I need to pay my rent. If the truck payment isn't paid maybe someone will be kind enough to take me to and from the places I need to go. But I doubt anyone would be willing to take me in if I were to be evicted.

I'm calm about everything. I really believe that "all will be well" as Julia of Norwich said. I just have to hang on to what little faith I have left. I didn't go to church today. After my conversation with Dennis on Friday I felt kind of bad about having asked if the church could be of assistance to me. Besides I believe that I was where I was supposed to be. I spoke to Wendy, one of the few people who still speaks to me from my pre-Joey days. I also fielded e-mails from various people from the on-line Al-Anon group. I was able to share love.