"We're all of us paddling our own little boat,
on our own particular small river,
which eventually ends up in the ocean of us all."

That's what my perpetual calendar says today. My own particular river. Well, I guess that's right. I've been in my own personal hell.

I do have good news though. I am being considered for two of the teaching jobs I interviewed for here. If given the opportunity I will take one of them. I need to be closer to home.

The bad news is that I thought I had all of my vehicle woes figured out. I've been exercising a lot of self-will and insanity lately. I see that now. I keep trying to dig myself out of this hole and I only succeed in digging myself in deeper.

I wound up in crisis mode yet again this morning. I attempted to call for help. I was in touch with the Crisis Hotline affiliated with Centerstone but my mother wouldn't quit beeping in. She just won't leave me alone! She can't help me but she keeps trying to. It dawned on me that she really needs Al-Anon herself. I was seeking help on my own. But she sent the police over here! I wasn't suicidal. Unless there's a painless way to end it all I'm not interested.

I ended up going to my Aunt Nelle for financial assistance. She made me feel pretty damn small about it. But I had no other choice. I'm working at the only job I could find for the summer and I don't get paid until July 13th. Even then that will be a very small paycheck. I wasn't this bad off when Joey was in the picture! I don't understand why it's all catching up to me now. I mean, it feels like every thing is coming to a head at once and it's screaming, "Deal with me now!" I'm dealing with things the best way I know how.

I don't feel like doing anything but staying in bed. I want to curl up in the fetal position and die. But I get up every morning. I recite what all my blessing are and I try to stay as focused as I can on what is right in front of me. It's difficult. I see all the affects of Joey's drinking and drug abuse all around me. I'm dealing with it daily. Where is he? In prison. Yeah, he's probably dealing with it in some way but I doubt he feels the full effect of what I am going through. I can't bring myself to be angry at him any more. Instead I've gone inward and blamed myself. I had some help with that this morning from my aunt. She pretty much laid it at my feet again.

I know I need to be going into my mom's house and cleaning. I know I should be mowing her lawn, cutting her hedges, etc. But it dawned on me four years ago that I was taking care of everyone but me. So I detached in an attempt to take care of me. I know it looked like I had abandoned them but what could I do? If I'm falling apart I can be of no help to anyone else. I feel so guilty and shameful. I can't go inside her home without feeling the walls closing in. I can't do for her. I just can't. I'm barely able to take care of me right now.

I tried making amends the only way I know how. I signed her up for every agency I thought she might qualify for. I know it takes time for things to start the ball rolling but we're running out of time here. They need help and they need it now. They need help and it ain't me.

I pray that I can get myself under control. I keep reaching out for help and coming up empty in some areas but finding some in others with strings attached. In some ways I wish I was strong enough to end it all. Joey used to say that. I never understood it until now. Now I understand it completely. I wonder sometimes if I am in the wrong program.

My blog entry yesterday had to do with worrying about tomorrow. I heard a quote on one of the "Touched by an Angel" episodes. The teenager told one of the angels that they didn't really worry about tomorrow. His response was that tomorrow eventually comes any way. I understand both sides to that coin. I can't worry about tomorrow without working myself into an anxiety attack. But I still need to be mindful of tomorrow.

I don't know I just want to get back on an even keel. I want to feel better. But maybe I'm having to go through this in order for others to see how much responsibility I have really shouldered over the years. I can't do it any more. I would like to have someone to lean on myself. Sometimes I just need to be held and told it will get better.

I've surrendered so many things to God. I know He's here for me but when I got up this morning I felt as if He was light years away from me. I felt very much alone. But maybe I had to feel that in order to reach out for help. I just wish I had not had to reach out to my aunt. God help me. I hated to do that. That was more humbling for me than having to go to the Help Center.

I guess I'm okay for now. I've worked myself up into a frenzy and now I'm tired beyong belief. I may go back to bed. Here is the song going through my head today. Wish I had someone like this in my life. I guess what I'm learning is that that someone should be God.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

As sung by Simon and Garfunkel

When you're weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
When you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

This afternoon I got so bad with this free floating anxiety that I thought I'd have to go to the emergency room. I wound up with Lois again. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know it's not about finances. It's an internal thing. I should be hearing from the results of the hormone tests soon. I'm going to call Dr. Brann on Monday. I think I should call Centerstone, too. I need something for anxiety and depression right now. I've never wanted to be on medication. So many of my relatives are. I wanted to be one of the few who wasn't. It doesn't look like I'm going to be.

As I was driving to Lawrenceburg to meet with Lois I remembered something about my mother from my childhood and suddenly I began to see a pattern. I've been seeing a lot of my patterns lately with clarity. From relationships with men, to financial management, to how I handle stress, etc. Man, I am one messed up chick. I've got a lot of character defects coming out of the woodwork that it is time to let go of. Maybe that's what's wrong with me.

Like I said, I don't know what's wrong with me and this is so foreign for me that I don't know how to handle it. All I know is that I feel insane. If I had not gone over to visit with Lois I'd have wound up in the emergency room. The anxiety was that bad. I could take no more of it.

Lois kept me busy and occupied with silly stuff. We went out to eat and then to the festivities at the high school. I'm just getting home. All those phone calls I made to Al-Anon people were returned while I was gone. I know I'm loved. I also know that these people have their own lives to live. I've got to get the help I need from other resources.

I just want to feel better. I hate feeling like this.