Well, it was an interesting day yesterday. I'm hoping that today is just as interesting.

I received my credit card. It wasn't what I hoped for but it was what I needed when I needed it. It will get me through this week. When I went to do a cash withdrawal to place money in my checking account to cover the checks, I wanted to take out more than the amount I needed so that I'd have cash in my hand. God blocked it. I was only allowed to take out the amount I needed. It was if He was telling me, "Take only what you need, when you need it. Don't worry with the future."

I got a little antsy with so much time to spare before I had to report to orientation. God sent me to School Zone. He reminded me that I had a gift certificate for there. I went in there looking for Harry Wang books. I thought if I'm going back to the classroom I need to read all that I can get my hands on about procedures. They had no such books. I wound up buying some pointers shaped like a hand that we can use in our meeting. I think I've got a cute game/ activity we can do to go along with some of our readings. I also bought some postcards that had butterflies on them. I didn't spend all of my gift certificate. I got money back! That bought lunch and supper.

I went to orientation. I think I need to make this my permanent job. I enjoyed watching and listening to the participants in the workshop. It's such a relaxed atmosphere compared to what I was in. I really think I'm too burned out to go back into the classroom. This new job has better insurance than my teaching job did. I actually get vision insurance. I've been in need of new glasses for some time now- I actually need bi-focals now. I hadn't been able to afford to go to the eye doctor. I get dental insurance, too. I had it with my teaching job but I understood from those who used it that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. I learned of other perks with this job. I'm grateful to have the opportunity.

The down side to the job- you knew that there had to be one- is that I won't receive a paycheck until July 13th. I'm relying on God to point me in the direction I need to go so that I can pay my bills. I stand to have the phone cut off, the electricity cut off and eviction. I've been here before. In the past I went to my mother's house or bargained with the powers that be. I can't go to Mom's. I'm a liability for her. We're working on trying to get more servics for her and my brother. The services are based on the total amount of income for the year. She almost makes too much with just her and Barry, I'd put her out of the running altogether. As to talking to the powers that be, well, what can I say? I have no way of knowing when I'd have the money for them. I have no way of knowing how much my first paycheck would be. I can't promise anything. So, it literally is in God's hands.

I called and talked to my sponsor. She suggested I ask for an advance in my paycheck. I really don't think that's an option but I'll put our feelers today while I'm with my immediate supervisor. I told her about my transportation situation and she finally seemed to understand what was going on. I'm not so sure she had before.

Kenny called while I was talking to her. I think I've got my replacement for Mac, sort of. But I still miss Mac. It's just not the same. Mac's here, he's real. Kenny's real but he's in another state. I've been terribly hurt by Mac's behavior. I thought Mike not talking to me was bad but I at least knew that he still read my
e-mails based on what I heard from others and from his own mouth. With Mac, I have no clue. I don't know what I did or what's going on. I've talked to various recovery buddies about it and they all believe that I scared the poor man to death. He could not deal with my depression.

I've inherited Elyce. She calls almost every day needing a listening ear. In some ways it helps me because I hear myself say what I need to hear and it gets me outside myself. In other ways it makes me a little tired. I'm not sure I'm a very affective temporary sponsor but I guess I'm what she needs right now or else she would not be calling.

I also talked to Lois. She's become a Godsend to me. I never thought I would say that but she has. She has been a source of encouragement, love and information for me. Maybe she needed to see what I was like when I came into the program to understand why I acted as I did last year when she tried to attach herself to my hip.

Today I don't report to work until 11:00. I've got a few phone calls to make on Mom and Barry's behalf. I also have some time to look into all these financial institutions that are sending me all these pop ups. I've asked God to just indicate which one is the right one becase I am at a loss.

I'm hoping I get to work at least until 4:00. I need the hours. Orientation was only 2 1/2 hours yesterday.

You know how sometimes you can create self-fulfilling prophesy? Well, I had said that I hoped today was just as interesting as yesterday and it has been. I went to work and found that I know one of the participants (that's what they call the clients there) from a previous job. I don't think this is a coincidence. He was a pretty cool kid then and I'm sure he's a pretty cool young adult now.

When I got home I found my electricity was turned off. I had to call my mother to ask for help. The guilt and shame that brings to the surface was almost unbearable. I tell you that I was about to spiral down into the depression because of it. It doesn't take much to knock me off of my pink cloud. To feel like such a failure and at the mercy of my mother is one of the absolute worse feelings I think I can have at this time. She went with me to the power company and paid it. I'll have to move heaven and earth (like I haven't been doing that already) to pay her back.

I walked in the door and began going through the apartment turning things back on. I had come into this room and saw that the computer had not restarted itself. Since the "on" button has fallen inside the tower I had to take the side off of it to find the switch to push with my screw driver. Just as I had gotten it off and found the switch, the phone rang and it was my new friend Kenny on the other line. I have no idea what God intends for me to get out of this relationship with this guy but somehow he has made a connection with me that he seems to need as much I do. He began the conversation by asking me how my day had been and I replied truthfully, "It's been a day." He laughed and said, "Thank you for not saying that you were fine." I told him all that had transpired and instead of giving me the speech about being on my pity pot like one of the on-line members did this morning, he complimented me for staying real. Talking to him cheered me up. He was in route to the airport when he called. He's going to see his neice graduate. He says he'll call back later. I don't know if later means when he lands in California tonight or if it means later this week.

Elyce has called and has built me up, too. God loves me so much. He sends people to give me what I need when I need it. I am grateful.