We had a guest speaker last night at our Al-Anon meeting. It was a lady that I met two years ago when I went to the Al-Anon convention in Nashville. I remembered her for two reasons- she crochets and she broke down and cried at the banquet dinner. Until she spoke last night I did not realize how well she remembered me. Apparently I had made an impact on her because I am one of three women she believes she owes a debt of gratitude to. Me? I don't know what I did really except talk to her.

There were only four of us present to hear her speak and that is kind of sad. But I believe the people who were supposed to be there were there.

We had a brief business meeting afterwards. Lois stood for treasurer. I'm not sure that this is such a good idea but maybe it will help her in her program. We'll see. I explained to those present how uncomfortable it is for me to be carrying around group money right now. I'm an honest person but I don't trust myself. I'm in dire straits financially and carrying around money that belongs to someone else is too much temptation.

I noticed that the drama king Bobby is back in the building. I'm not sure if he's there to spy for someone or if he's back hob nobbing with Mac. Either way it can't be a good thing. But I won't become paranoid. I'm just going to pray for angels to surround the building. If he's spying for William he did not see anything worth reporting. If he's back to running around with Mac, Mac will be drunk soon. Maybe a relapse is what is needed for him.

I did e-mail Mac last night when I got home. Apparently I am not to be forgiven for anything. It must be nice to wake up in the morning feeling THAT powerful- to know all the answers, to be sure of everything, to feel all important... But I do miss my friend pretty badly. Only Ann is talking to me right now.

I have an interview at another school in the area at 10:00. Maybe it will be okay. To tell you the truth I'm a little tired of doing these things. I'm not too sure about this interview. It's between me and two other people. She even offered me an assistant position. The high school is a bust. My highly qualified papers are only good for K-8th grade. I'd have to pay to take a test to even be considered for that job. I don't even have the money for a coke let alone to take a test! I haven't heard back from Elkton Elementary. Impact may be the window of opportunity opening for me. Or I may have to go back to Highland Park.

I need to call Impact and make sure where and when it is that I am to report for training. In the back of my mind I have Tuesday at 1:00 fixed in there. But that can't be right. I called them and Lynn's going to call me back on Monday. I don't understand why I can't have answers now.

I may also have to call the IRS and tell them I'm going to be late with that payment. There may also have to be a phone call made to the bankruptcy trustee about my payment to them, too. Gibson Brothers need to be called and the truck needs to be brought here. How I hate doing all that talking! I don't want to have to explain anyting.

My perpetual calendar reminds me:

How rich are those who choose to see the beauty in all people and all circumstances.

Then I also received this:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I can change only myself, but sometimes that is enough.
--Ruth Humlecker

Happiness is more fleeting for some of us than for others. We may ponder this notion but fail to grasp the reason. However, careful attention to how "the happy ones" go through life will enlighten us. We will note how seldom they complain about others' actions. We will discover their willingness to accept others as they are. We will see that their attention is generally on the positive aspects of people and circumstances rather than on the negative.

We can join the parade of "happy ones" by letting go of our need to change people and situations that disturb us. Even when we are certain other people are wrong, we can let go of controlling them. Doing this means changing ourselves, of course. But this is the one thing in life we do have control over.

I will change myself if I think something needs changing today!

I guess I need to rethink my opinon about all the people and circumstances that I mentioned previously. I don't dislike anyone. I've just lost my trust in myself and others. I'm barely holding on to faith in God right now. As I see it, He is the only being capable of anything right now.

Last night I really did a number on my computer. The "on" button fell inside the tower. I have no clue how it happened or how to fix it. I guess my computer will just remain on or I can unplug it every night.

I don't know what to do about a lot of things and I'm sick of worrying about them. They are in God's hands and they'll have to stay there because right now I am truly powerless over anything. My life really is unmanagable.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Awakenings AFG, Ann, Apples and Cinnamon flavored oatmeal (even if it is low sugar and tastes horrible)
B- Barbara A., Barry, Birds singing outside my window, bath tubs, beds
C- Couch, cats, computer, CAL
D- Daily readings
E- E-mail
F- Faith
G- God, grace
H- Hope
I- Internet, interviews
J- Job
K- Kenny
L- Lois, Linda
M- Mom, Marian
N- Notes of inspiration taped or tacked to my wall
O- On-line friends
P- Perseverence
Q- Quiet meditation
R- Ruby
S- Susan, speaker meetings
T- Transportation
V- Vision
W- Willingness
X- Xena (I'm still looking for her)
Y- Yahoo
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (I'm so tired)

I pray and pray. My answer is always the same, "Wait". But He also keeps pointing back to the same dead end. He keeps pointing me toward a person who isn't talking to me any more. This person has no answers for me. Maybe it's just that misery loves company. Or maybe I just need to get my books back from him.

I've checked out books about miracles today. I sure am praying for one. Around 4:00 I'm going to go write this check for my truck. I pray that it will not bounce. I'm praying with all my might that Linda's check gets here today or tomorrow to cover anything that will be or has been written.