We finally got some rain. I mean it came a storm! It was as if God was speaking.

The power went out here for about 2 hours. I sat with candles burning and a flashlight perched on my shoulder where I was entertaining myself by reading. The power came back on but went off twice more when I went to bed. There's nothing worse than being asleep and suddenly your oxygen is taken from you. It was if God was saying, "I giveth and I taketh away."

I feel kind of blah. I go to training classes and I hate this feeling I get from them. It's like I'm running but I'm not going any where. I want to be working with the actual clients, not sitting up in some room in a class. I do get to mingle with clients while I'm there. Jennifer, the girl I'm training beside, and I have been adopted by a little guy named Michael. He's just as cute as he can be. Yesterday when I had to leave he came up to give me a hug and asked me if I was going to be back tomorrow.

I've been told that I will get to start shadowing someone on Friday. I'll get to ride the van route and everything. That will have taken 2 weeks to get to actually work on a job!

I called Southside Elementary. The principal says her decision is between me and another person. She hasn't made a decision yet. By the time she makes it will be time to go back to school. I need to know something soon. I don't know whether to let go of the job at HPES or to hang on to it. I just don't want to go back but I may have to. I can't do without insurance and I need the salary to pay bills.

This morning I'm tired. I don't want to go to training. I just want to go back to bed.

Tonight we have Al-Anon. I may need a meeting by the end of today. My patience is at an all time low when I leave these classes. We've got a group of very disrespectful people in this class. They're taking too many breaks to smoke, not coming back on time, talking while the instructor is talking, etc. I want so badly to turn around and tell them, "Shut the F up!" We've got to have these classes because of state requirements but come on.

As much as I may need a meeting I'm fed up with that, too. I'm back to dreading the thought of going to that building. I'm tired of the cold shoulder I've gotten from certain recovery people. I don't understand what's going on. I want to feel as if I belong again. I feel so disconnected. I hate being at odds with people. No one remembers saying any of the things that I heard. It's like I'm being told once again that I'm a liar or that I'm crazy.

I'm fed up with my mother, too. She calls here several times a day. I can't help her. I've tried telling her that. And she can't help me. When she did help me I got accused of financial exploitation. I was told that my mother felt intimidated by me and that I had coerced her into giving me financial assistance. I was accused of several things I wasn't guilty of. My whole world fell apart last week. She doesn't remember telling the caseworker all that was relayed to me. It's killing me to feel disconnected from my biological family, too. It's the same as the recovery family. She doesn't remember what she said therefore I'm a liar.

You know, I really do have a lot to be grateful for. When I'm left alone I can see my blessings. It's when people try to pile things up on my plate (that is already overflowing with problems) that I lose sight of what I have. That old feeling of being responsible for everything returns and suddenly I can't breath. I feel like a tremendous weight is pressing down on me and I am going under. Mom's situation is like being in a boat that has a hole in it. I'm bailing water out and it's still filling up. I put her stuff on the caseworkers because that's their job and someone puts it back in my boat.

I'm going to really need prayer to get through today. I'm at my breaking point with these classes. The good news is that this is the last one for a while. When I looked at the big picture here yesterday I saw very clearly some of the meaning behind that weird dream I had. I have met the odd woman in the dream. She's the coordinator for Impact in Giles and Maury counties. And she did undergo a transformation in appearance. She didn't look the same yesterday as she did when I met her 3 weeks ago.

I am mingling with mentally challenged people like I was in the dream but I don't see the connection to my brother, who appeared briefly in my dream and then was gone. And the workshop does appear to be like an ongoing play.

The part about Mike sitting in the stands eating popcorn- I still don't get that. Maybe he was supposed to represent a person that is like him and if that's the case it is Kenny. He has been actively observing my day to day progress with the attitude of a spectator.

The person at the end of the dream? I don't know. That one's kind of hazy. I still say that person at the very end was connected somehow with Marian. It's a family connection or a church connection. I got the feeling that Mike knew him but if Mike was supposed to represent someone like himself then maybe it is someone that is more connected with Kenny. But that can't be right. Whoever he is at peace with himself. I sure hope I get to meet him soon. I'd love nothing better than to sit down in the presence of someone who is serene.

I've risen but I'm far from shining. Didn't sleep well last night.

Well, I made it through the day. I'm okay.

I see where my on-line Al-Anon friend has blocked my e-mails. That may be for the best. I'm not sure what he wanted from me any way. When I last talked to him I felt like he was talking down to me. Oh, well.

I understand that Mac has isolated from everyone. According to Ann she has not talked to him in 3 weeks. I don't believe her but there you are.

Elaine S. was back at our meeting tonight but no Elaine K. Not sure what's going on there.

I guess what I'm experiencing these days is tremendous growth. I'm in a valley. I am having to lift myself up to see my blessings rather than looking down. I've heard another song that speaks to me. I am changing. I hope I'm changing for the better because I'm tired of being so damn depressed.

Change

As sung by Marcia Hines

I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
And I can feel a change a-comin', there's of wave of calm washin' over me

I can feel a change in your touch, in your eyes, they say so much
Time has come to let your feelings show, whatever's goin' down I still love you so
Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Oh I should let you go, so you can find the peace that you deserve to know

I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
I can feel a change a-comin', there's of wave of calm washin' over me

There must be a lesson here to learn, I know my words can't say enough
The truth has come and knocked on my door
Can't run, can't hide, can't turn away the truth no more
Oh-oh I should let you go, so you can find that peace that you deserve to know
Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Let you go-o-o

I know that heaven is filled with angels, so it would be sad to lose it all
You can only imagine as they now know

Oh-oh I want you to know, how hard it's gonna be for me to let you go
Oh-oh I should let you go, so you can find the peace that you deserve to know...

(I can feel a change) I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
(I can feel a change) Oh-oh-oh, I can
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me
Oh-oh-oh-oh (I can feel the change), I can feel the change a-comin'
I can feel the change a-comin', calm washing over me, I should let you go
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin' over me, oh-oh-oh, I can
I can feel a change a-comin', there's a wave of calm washin'