Last night as I lay in bed crying and praying- I literally felt like I was hugging God's feet- something from one of the Touched by an Angel episodes came to me. It was about fear, trust, gratitude and letting go. I talk about it and I think I have a handle on this but I realized last night that I don't.

Fear rules my decisions. I'm like Charlie Brown. I have a fear of everything. I am so inhibited. I am so paranoid at times. I'm afraid of what others will say if I do this or that. When I tried to let go of that fear and became Xena, I was criticized for it and so I went back inside my shell. People do not realize how much their words hurt others. As humans we say what we say and then we walk away never realizing that the person our words landed on have held on to them. I look at the Four Agreements that I have taped to my wall. Number one kind of covers how I should speak to others - "Be impeccable in your words. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean." Number two always seems to jump off the page at me, too. "Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is them." How easy that is for me to forget.

Trust comes hard for me. I pretty much raised myself. I learned to rely on no one but myself. Every now and then I would venture out toward others for help. Generally I did this when I was at the end of my rope. Most times I just did things myself or I did without. My motto was trust no one especially men. I chanced a lot when I hooked up with my alcoholic. I put all my eggs in one basket. In the back of my mind I knew that I was doing the wrong thing. I knew what was going to happen before it happened but I chose to forge ahead anyway, hoping that maybe I was wrong.

Twelve Step programs try to teach us that we can trust again. It says that you can learn trust through your sponsor. I haven't had a very good experience with sponsors since I've been in the program. The one I have now is pretty cool. She loves me. She thinks I'm brilliant. But unfortunately there are just some things I can not talk to her about. It's not from lack of trust. It's from knowing that she can't handle the truth about certain things.

I had built up a certain amount of trust in a few recovery buddies but I'm not so sure I trust them any more. They've pretty much turned their back on me. That pretty much proved to me what I came into the program believing. No one is trust worthy. When the chips are down they will leave. Then I look at the Four Agreements and I realize that it is not my insanity or depression that these people are dealing with, it's their own. I scare them because I serve as a mirror. But more than that I serve as a catalyst. They know they need to deal with their own issues. That's their insanity, not mine. I must deal with my own.

Trusting God is easier said than done. I have always believed in Him. I say that I know that He is in charge, that through Him all things are possible but I've never had to step out on that faith- put my money where my mouth is. Never have I ever hit such a bottom as the one I'm in now. In my heart I know I'm going to be okay. It's my mind I've had to convince. Yesterday I read that the longest distance is between our heart and our head. I believe that. The day before I read "Do I want the problem or the answer?" Of course, I want the answer. No one wants to hang on to a problem. And yet, I haven't let go of it. I've been so focused on all the "what if" scenerios that I've totally forgotten to say "Thank you." Even in making my gratitude list I have just given lip service. I had not internalised it. At three o'clock this morning something changed.

I felt as if I was being lifted up in prayer. I don't know who the person was but I could feel it. I began to recite the rosary to calm myself down. And in the dark of my room as I clung to God's feet, I poured out my heart. I'm so afraid to trust because I'm afraid that He will leave me, too. I thought to myself, "You will leave me like everyone else has." That's when I heard, "Everyone? Surely not everyone?" And it dawned on me, really dawned on me, that He was right. I have not been totally abandoned. I also heard, "I will never leave nor forsake you."

So I began to thank Him for all that I have. I have been blessed with a lot of things.

I have a roof over my head. Yes, to some it is a depressing hole in the wall but when I moved in here two years ago I felt blessed because I got to keep the same landlord which meant that I did not have to come up with extra money for a deposit. My rent actually went down rather than up. I was still within two blocks of the police station which for me was an added perk. None of my alcoholic's friends knew where I had moved and would not be able to bother me.

I have electricity. Because I was already an established customer I did not have to pay to have my services moved.

I have a telephone. I was able to reestablish service with Bellsouth even though I put them on my bankruptcy. I no longer had to have Global which is what the prison system uses. I had access to the internet and that has been a Godsend to me.

I have food in my kitchen. It's not a lot. My refrigerator and cabinets are not overflowing but I'm far from destitute. True enough I may not like what I have to eat on a given day but I am not going hungry. So what if no one asks me over to share a meal? I can provide for myself.

I have two cats. I may not have human companionship all the time but I am not lonely. One curls up next to me where ever I am sitting or lying down to keep me company.

I may have lost some of my friends but God has sent people when I need to talk or need companionship. The oddest array of people have come out of the woodwork. I have been blessed.

My biological family has weighed in also. My mother is not dead yet. She still loves me and calls to check on me throughout the day. She may not be able to clearly see all of my needs nor help me with them but she knows when I am in pain and sends her love.

I learned as I cried at God's feet that I am highly favored. Circumstances did not change drastically, my attitude did. I lost faith. This morning I regained a small smidgeon of it. I don't know how I will make ends meet but I do know that I will land on my feet. I will be taken care of and I will be okay.

I'm just hoping that I can carry this feeling of gratitude with me through out the day. Depression creeps up on me so quick sometimes and I have a hard time shaking it off.

I feel the need to unburden myself so that someone, anyone knows what's going on here. I'm very much at peace with myself. I stumbled upon Lesson 47 of A Course in Miracle. I'd say it was an accident or a coincidence but one thing I've learned in the last few months is that nothing happens by coincidence. It says, "God is the stength in which I trust." When you hear of the heavy burden I carry you will understand in full why I've been so anxious.

First, my friend Linda's check did make it here. I am eternally grateful for whatever anyone sends my way. She sent a check for $100. It is but a drop in the bucket for what I need but it will help. So, I will not fail to acknowledge her sacrifice.

Here's the picture:

As a teacher a certain amount of money is taken out of my paycheck every month and put into an account at the credit union toward the summer months. We have access to it of course and can take money out from time to time. Because my black truck died I had to find transportation for myself. I took on a car payment in July, using a 401k I cashed in to do so. It was my only solution. I have no family who will or can help with transportation. My ride to and from school last year was no longer a viable solution and I was afraid to ask anyone else. So, I became saddled with an extra expense with the permission of the bankruptcy trustee of course.

Well, you see when the price of gas rose so much it ate away at my budget. The money that would have gone toward the car note went to gas. I had no other source of income. I had to take money out from the summer account to keep myself with transportation. With no transportation I would have found it impossible to get to work. Without my job I couldn't pay my bills.

So, here I sit with no summer money left. I took the last of it out at the end of May because my paycheck was short due to an oversight on my part. I used too many personal days and was docked a day's pay.

I've spent the first week that school was out resting because I knew that no one would be hiring during the Memorial Day holiday. The last two weeks I've gone on interviews, put in applications and had a doctor's appointment that was very important. But none of these things put money in my account.

I wrote a check for $35 at Centerstone, hoping money would arrive to be deposited to cover it. I wrote a check for $200 so that I'd be able to start my truck and thus make it to the training classes for my new job that I start on Tuesday.

Now, there's also the IRS amount of $150 that is supposed to arrive at their Atlanta headquarters on the 20th that I also don't have. Then, there's $243 for my bankruptcy fee that needs to be paid twice this month. My electric bill is due on the 19th. It amounts to $121 and my phone bill hasn't arrived yet. Then at the end of the month there is $300 in rent due and another $200 payment for the truck. Now I haven't mentioned gas, food for me, food for the cats and money for laundry. And, oh yeah, I still owe Gibson Brothers almost $1800 for the repairs to the black truck that does not run and I'm told need a new transmission. So, you see things aren't going well for me.

My heart tells me that God is going to take care of this. That what I need will appear when I need it. But I have a problem with that blind faith. What will I do in the event that it doesn't appear? I have nowhere to go if I am unable to pay my rent. I have no means of transportation to get to the training class if the truck should be taken. I also have no way of getting to said job in Lewisburg if I have no transportation. See, I told you that it doesn't take much for me to slip back into the Doubting Thomas role.

So, you see I really do have some things to be anxious about. I'm at my absolute rock bottom. I don't understand how anyone can tell me that I have little to be worried about. How could anyone hear all of that and not be worried?

I have thought about that credit card that I took on back on the 7th. It was supposed to take 7-10 days to arrive here. It's not here yet. I'm hoping that it comes on Monday. To tell you the truth it was an all out miracle that I received that in the mail and qualified for it. I believe that had God's hand on it.

Right now I'm almost numb with calmness. I really am at peace with myself. But maybe that is more resolution to my fate than anything. I will have to make do on whatever will come. It's just not what I'm used to doing. I've always relied on my own ingenuity, my own resourcefulness. Now, I'm having to rely totally on God. This is my test of absolute faith. It just doesn't seem quite right that it should be such a severe test. But then I am hard headed.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just needed to unburden my soul in a calm way. I know I've been whining a lot lately and I guess I just needed someone to hear why.

To top it all off I learned that my sponsor had one of her son's teach her how to block e-mail. I hate to be paranoid but I'm wondering now if it is my mail that she wishes to block. I genuinely hope not. It would absolutely kill me to know that my sponsor needs to detach that much from me.