I've been thinking about the concept known as love and acceptance. Our oldest member in Al-Anon was marveling over how many cards she got on her 85th birthday. She said she didn't deserve them and felt so loved. I heard myself say that love is something that we should be freely given. It's not something that we should feel we have to earn. I think acceptance falls in that category, too.

But why is that we feel impelled to do things or say things in order for someone to accept us and love us? We convince ourselves somewhere in our childhood that we aren't good enough and that we have to work harder to receive love and acceptance. What makes us feel this way?

I miss my friends. I made up with Ann. She was fairly easy. Apparently I have to do or say something to earn the rest back. If that's the case, I'd rather do without them. It's hard to live up to the standards they have. I can't possibly be all that they want me to be. I just don't have enough energy to figure out what it is and I'm tired of guessing. Love me or leave me be.

In a little over two hours I'll be heading to Centerstone for my counseling session. I'm praying that I get in on time and that it goes well. I have an interview in Elkton at the elementary school afterwards. But you know if I don't get any of these teaching jobs here in the county that I'm interviewing for, I think I will let the Impact job be my full time job. Maybe I need a complete change in jobs not just locations. It's just that I worry about insurance and my bankruptcy fees. I didn't hear any mention of insurance in the interview on Friday and I'll be making so little that it might interfere with when my bankruptcy is actually reviewed. I received notice this weekend in the mail that it is due to be reviewed in May of next year.

Bring On the Rain

As sung Jo Dee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war (cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Well, the day started out like Murphy's Law. Everything that could go wrong, did. The receptionist neglected to write down that my counselor would not be in until later today. So, I sat in the waiting room for over an hour, listening to a very annoying orientation tape play over and over. I lost count of how many times it played. I'm obsessive compulsive, but come on. Enough is enough.

I had an interview at 11:00 and I finally approached the desk at 10:15 to ask if I could reschedule my appointment. That's when they told me that she would not be in. I'm not assertive enough at times. But today I knew that I had to get into see this counselor or I'd be a basket case by tonight. I could already feel that hand-flapping anxiety building up inside me. I neede help and I needed it quick. They rescheduled the appointment for 2:00.

I went on to the interview. I did not like this particular principal. Since I've read The Celestine Prophecies, I watch for the dramas that people play out. This guy was definitely in the role of the interrogator. I mean I was grilled pretty extensively like I was supposed to be the spokesperson for all of the Special Education laws in the universe. I finally told him that he was preaching at the choir. That might not have been appropriate but I was not going to sit there and allow some man I didn't know make me feel small and insignificant. I've put up with that a lot in my life time and I'm damned if I'm going to again. Anyway, if he offers me the job I will turn it down. I don't need the chaos of his situation. I really want the position at the high school but I may wind up really starting over with the Impact Center job. It will pay considerably less but I don't care. It's not about money. It never has been. In the past it was about being able to use my college degree. Now, I think it's about redeeming my self-hood.

At 2:00 I went back to Centerstone and spent a little over 2 hours with my new counselor. I like her. I'm not crazy. She's got a tenative diagnoses for me. It's Reactionary something something. She talked so fast with her explanation that I didn't catch the whole thing but it's similar to what I was diagnosed with in 2005. Then I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The bottom line is that my support system- the three families- were jerked beneath me before I was strong enough to stand on my own. The digging I'd done into my childhood issues took me back to a younger version of myself. I have actually been reacting to people and situations as the age I was when I was abused (4 or 5) and as the thirteen year old who lost her father. The counselor thinks the age that was activated actually depends on which person triggered my stuff. She doesn't know if I'll need medication. I've got a medical evaluation in August. That's the earliest I can get into see the doctor. I have another appointment with my counselor in July.

We worked out a plan for me to deal with my anxiety and depression. In the past I was told I'm to call a recovery buddy, pray or read some CAL or inspirational reading. My counselor had me pick one friend as my life line. I picked Linda. I'm to call her if I'm not too bad off. If I'm kicking it up a notch I'm to call Centerstone. My counselor says her schedule is very chaotic. If I can't get the help I need with a call to her I'm to go to the emergency room and tell the staff there that my therapist told me to report there whenever I got too tense.

The bottom line is that I'm not crazy. I was so, so glad to hear that. I explained my concern about all the mental illness in my family and my feelings about being medicated. She understood and we will deal with that when we cross that bridge.