I haven't slept much.

I got up around 3:00, e-mailed and then called Linda. She's going to fax that caseworker a statement telling her that the full amount that Mom paid out for my electric bill will be mailed out tomorrow. Vicki, Mary Jo and Lisa have come up with the money between the three of them. God, this is such a huge blow to my pride or as Kenny would say to my ego. I hate asking for help. I want to be self-sufficient.

Linda doesn't think that the caseworker will take legal action. Even if they investigate me she doesn't think they will find any thing to substantiate pressing charges of financial exploitation against me. I feel guilty. Does it matter what they find? Linda is a social worker. She's been through this sort of thing before. She believes the most that they will find is the co-dependent relationship of mother/daughter.

Linda also encouraged me to call Centerstone and get that medical evaluation done now. She thinks I need to disregard the future appointments and get into see someone ASAP. I am in crisis mode. I know she speaks the truth. But I can't do it today. I've got to go to training or I forfeit the only job I could find to get through the summer. The irony of that is that I get a paycheck just two weeks before the schools start back.

Vicki looked into the insurance deal for me. Well, she actually talked to Mary Jo. They believe that the insurance will cease to be good as soon as I resign. Each of them is encouraging me to come back to HPES to work if a teaching position does not become available down here. The cut in pay from Impact will kill me they think. But they are also thinking of my benefits. It's funny how being in crisis mode brought back that trio from my support system. I'm meeting with them at 4:30 at Applebees to brainstorm what I need to do next.

Susan from the Lewisburg group works at a finance agency. I talked to her briefly last night. If her particular branch wasn't put on my bankruptcy she can help me with a small loan. If it was, I'm back at square one.

I left a message on Dennis' voice mail for him to call me back. If he will go with me to talk to the deacon, I will ask the church for help. I don't feel comfortable going alone. I'm not a member of that church yet.

That's 2 out of my three families that I've reached out to. I don't dare call anyone in my biological family. I would get read the riot act. I have tried telling them for almost 4 years now that I can not help my mother and brother. Right now I have to focus on me.

It's like I said in my group last night. I've always been the strong one that everyone relied on and now that I need help no one is there. I feel so alone. But this is what I saw coming months ago. This is what has been causing me so much depression. I'm worried about things I have no control over. I can't fix this situation.

What hurts the most about this situation with my mother is that there is someone out there that believes that I would deliberately hurt or put my mother at risk. But the truth is that I have over the years. For eight years the results of my involvement with an active alcoholic and addict caused me to become dependent on my mother and brother. Every time I accepted her help or asked for it, I put her at risk. I really am guilty of what the caseworker is accusing me of. In my defense I didn't know it at the time.

It's ironic that I get accused of this on the very day that I read ISP files for the participants at the center. One of the participants was at risk of being financially exploited.

This morning I have a limited plan of action and as Linda reminded me what do I have today. I have a job, a roof over my head, electricity, a phone, food in my kitchen and gas in my truck for today. I can only focus on today. If worrying over the future sends me to crisis mode again I am to report to the emergency room or call the crisis number for Centerstone.

Right now the only song I can hear in my head is Barry Manilow's "I Wanna Be Somebody's Baby." I feel so alone. I desperately need a hug. If I can hold on until 4:30, I know I'll receive 3 from my trio of friends.

Linda asked me if I had considered calling my sponsor. I can't seem to get anyone to understand that it isn't a good idea. Marian is not equipped to talk to me when I am like this. I just don't think she can handle it. She's already looking at ways to block my e-mail. It won't be long before she ceases to take my calls. And to call the Immovable Object- please, she'll only tell me to journal.

It's like I said in my meeting last night. This is not being on the pity pot, this is reality. I am in crisis mode and I do need help. Help of any kind would be a blessing. Prayer, hugs, a kind word- those things go a lot further for me than money. Money can't buy love. I need to feel the uncondional love that the program teaches about.

I know that God is with me and that He will provide in His time. I understand that. But as I see it, my time is running out. I am down to the wire.

In a little less than two hours I will be heading out to this training. I really need to get my head back in the ball game or I won't be able to retain what is taught today.