Discovering Who I Am

2011-09-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

Got married yesterday to a wonderful man.

2011-04-06T11:05:00.001-07:00

Songs of the day

Got to Get You Into My Life

As Sung by the Beatles

I was alone, I took a ride, I didn't know what I would find there.
Another road, where maybe I could see another kind of mind there.
Ooh, then I suddenly see you.
Oooh, did I tell you I need you ev'ry single day of my life?

Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life

You didn't run, wyou didn't lie, you knew I wanted just to hold you
And had you gone you knew in time we'd meet again for I had told you.
Ooh, you were meant to be near me.
Ooh, and I want you to hear me say we'll be together ev'ry day.

Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life

What can I do, what can I be, when I'm with you I want to stay there.
If I'm true I'll never leave and if I do I know the way there.
Ooh, then I suddenly see you.
Ooh, did I tell you I need you ev'ry single day of my life?

Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got to Admit It's Getting Better

As sung by the Beatles

It's getting better all the time
I used to get mad at my school (No, I can't complain)
The teachers who taught me weren't cool( No, I can't complain)
You're holding me down (Oh Oh)
Turning me round(Oh Oh)
Filling me up with your rules(Oooh)

I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit it's getting better (better)
It's getting better
Since you've been mine

Me used to be a angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can

I've got to admit it's getting better(Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit its getting better (Better)
It's getting better
Since you've been mine

Getting so much better all the time!

It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better.
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better.

I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can (ooh)

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
Yes, I admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine

Getting so much better all the time

It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better

Getting so much better all the time

2011-03-27T17:19:00.001-07:00

Song of the day

The Sound of Silence

As sung by Simon and Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

2011-03-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

Howard finally called today. I think he's been sulking. He was a little belligerent and said a few things I think that he will wind up regretting. Thankfully, I really don't think that they were aimed at me. It's called self-preservation.

2011-03-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I live in a bubble. I am at peace most of the time. An odd feeling really when I've always had chaos around me. So, when something good comes along I have a hard time believing it is for real. Case in point, my new friend Howard. I like him, feel an attraction toward him, and yet I keep seeing all these red flags. Then I step back from it and I see that he's just as out of synch as I am. He's not really sending up red flags, he's just got to talk whatever is bothering him out of his system. Hey, I do that. So why can't I move forward with this? Am I afraid? Well, yeah. It's been 12 years since I've been on a date. I've been divorced for 7 years and I was married for 5 years. I'm not so sure I know what you're supposed to do on a date.

I may have screwed up any chance of moving forward with him. I sincerely hope not but I've got a feeling it is over before it really began.

2011-03-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching "Dangerous Minds" with Michelle Pfiffer. "Freedon Writers" has been on recently, too. I used to be that kind of teacher. I wanted to make a difference and maybe I did; at least, I'd like to think I did. I don't have it in me to teach any more. I don't have the fire. But if I did, I'd want to teach teen agers again. Those were some pretty cool years. I enjoyed coaching Special Olympics basketball. I enjoyed the mock trials and the field trips. I enjoyed seeing the light come on as we read poetry, books and plays.

At any rate, the reason I'm online tonight is that I remembered a line from a movie. I can't remember the movie nor what it was about but the line was, "love and light, baby, love and light." Yeah, I know it's vague. But that's how my thoughts are these days. I'm either half way there or not at all.

2011-03-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

I've got a song that I'm trying to find the name for and the artist who sings it. It's from the first episode in the first season of Joan of Arcadia. The words are something like, "You don't need a reason to hang around, you don't need to be broken to break down, you don't need to be crazy to stand up and shout, you don't need to have all the answers to know what it's all about...." If anyone knows this song please let me know.

2011-03-03T18:42:00.001-08:00

To Dream the Impossible Dream

From the Broadway Musical Man of La Mancha

To dream ... the impossible dream ...
To fight ... the unbeatable foe ...
To bear ... with unbearable sorrow ...
To run ... where the brave dare not go ...
To right ... the unrightable wrong ...
To love ... pure and chaste from afar ...
To try ... when your arms are too weary ...
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

This is my quest, to follow that star ...
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far ...
To fight for the right, without question or pause ...
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause ...

And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie will lie peaceful and calm,
when I'm laid to my rest ...
And the world will be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach ... the unreachable star ...

2011-03-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

I am so lost. I feel so disconnected.

2011-02-28T14:13:00.001-08:00

Song of the Day

When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh responsible, practical
And they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say
Or they'll be calling you a radical
A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal
Oh won't you sign up your name
We'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable

At night when all the world's asleep
The questions run soo deep
For such a simple man
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am

2011-02-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

You know how a song just pops into your head? I just had one pop into mine but I'm not sure what I was thinking about before it did. I was looking for a link between myself and another person on Facebook. The site said we had one shared friend. I still haven't figured out who it is- it wasn't who I thought it would be. This other person has over 400 people in the friend list. Wow! I don't claim to have anywhere near that many. Truthfully, can you call that many people friend? I mean aren't they just acquaintances?

Long Run
As sung by the Eagles

I used to hurry a lot, I used to worry a lot,
I used to stay out till the break of the day.
Oh that didn't get it, it was high time, I quit it --
I just couldn't carry on that way.
Oh, I did some damage, I know it's true --
Didn't know I was so lonely till I found you.

Who can go the distance?
We'll find out in the long run.
(In the long run.)
We can handle some resistance
If our love is a strong one.
(Is a strong one )

People talkin' about us, they got nothin' else to do.
When it all comes down we will still come through
In the long run.
Ooh I want to tell you it's a long run.

You know I don't understand why you don't treat yourself better,
Do the crazy things that you do.
When all the debutantes in Houston, baby,
Couldn't hold a candle to you.
Did you do it for love, did you do it for money?
Did you do it for spite, did you think you had to, honey?

Who is gonna make it?
We'll find out in the long run.
(In the long run )
I know we can take it
If our love is a strong one.
(Is a strong one )

Well we're scared but we ain't shakin',
Kinda bent but we ain't breakin'
In the long run.
Ooh I want to tell you it's a long run.

Now that I look at the lyrics, I remembered what I was thinking about. The whole Facebook thing kinda brought back a thought to my head that I've had before and shaken off. It was about an old acquaintanceship (is that even a word?) that I had and had wanted to develop into something else at one time. Fear. Fear keeps me from pursuing a lot of the things I'd like to have for myself. But earlier today I had thought about e-mailing my old acquaintance because I wanted someone to tell me what was wrong with me. Like he could tell me that. It was a thought I dismissed because it would have been a futile conversation. I cared too much and shut down before I could get hurt. In doing so, I probably sent out the wrong message. It's water under the bridge. Why open that dam back up?

2011-02-20T09:26:00.000-08:00

I love this song. It reminds me of Julia of Norwich's famous statement, "All is well and all shall be well." In that stement lies hope.

It's Alright

As sung by Huey Lewis and the News

They say it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright, whoa it's alright

Now we gonna move it slow
When the lights are low
When you move it slow
It feels like more
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright

Now listen to the beat
Kinda tap your feet
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright

When you wake up early in the morning
Feeling sad like so many of us do
Hold a little soul
And make life your goal
And surely something's gotta come to you

And you gotta say it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright

Someday I'll find me a woman
Who will love me and treat me real nice
Where my road has got to go
My love she will know from morning, noon
Until the night

And she's gotta say that it's alright
Say it's alright
It's alright, have a good time
Cause it's alright
Whoa it's alright
Now listen to the beat
Kinda tap your feet
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright
You got soul
Everybody knows that it's alright
Whoa it's alright

2011-02-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's hard to live in the moment. I keep beating myself up for quitting that job even though I was spending more to get to and from than I was bringing in in addition to gearing up for a nervous breakdown. I have to tell myself every so often during the day that I'm really doing fine. I have money in the bank, I'm almost finished with my master's degree, I'm living in a way better place than I was the past five years, etc. The problem is that I feel so alone. I am alone. I'm alone most of the day. This is one of the reasons I joined the YMCA. It's also the reason I volunteered to work at the Maury County Archives today. I'm hoping to worm my way into a paid position or at least gain some more experience to help me get a paying gig further down the line at another location.

Oh, I don't know what I want or what would make me happy. I just know that I'm not happy. Thankfully next week I will be back under the care of Centerstone. I'd like someone to tell me what is wrong with me. I don't feel right somehow. I thought about it today and I wonder if I'm just going through some awful grief process. Maybe I just need to have a good cry. Wish I knew. Wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.

2011-02-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

Anyway

as sung by Martina McBride
loosely based on the poem of the same name

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah, I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream
I love
Anyway

Well, I quit my job. I discovered that I no longer had the gift to work with the special needs population. It's official I'm not just burned out on teaching, I'm burned out on working with that whole population of individuals. I think it's because I'm surrounded by mental illness and mental retardation in my personal circle. Perhaps if I wasn't I could still work with special needs. I hate that I can't. Teaching was my first love.

I need a job. I want a job. But I can't do a job at the expense of my emotional and mental stability. I'm blessed to have had a 401K that I could cash in. It wasn't much but I can live off of it until another job opportunity comes along. Until one does come along I'm still pursuing my master's online with APU. I'm almost finished with it actually. I just have three courses and an internship to go. To get a local internship I may have to transfer to MTSU, but that's not something I have to worry about right this minure.

Oh, I included the song lyrics because the poem popped into my head when I was working with a particularly irritating co-worker. I would have put the poem here but the song seemed more appropriate for how I'm feeling today.

I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's EAT PRAY LOVE and Committed. I am gratefull for her penning the first book because I could so identify with the whole depression thing. I even take the same medication she did. A few years back I was on the enlightenment journey. I think maybe it's time to jump back on that trail. Oh, and as much as I like Julia Roberts, the movie based on the first book was horrible. Too many things were condensed or left out.

2011-02-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

I hate my job! I want to like it. I want to feel a sense of fulfillment every time I clock in and out. But I don't. I just want to stay in bed pull the covers over my head and pretend that nothing else matters.

2011-01-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

I think I must have my muse back. I'm connecting songs together in my head. As I was riding home today in Nashville traffic, Carrie Underwood's "So Small" came on the radio and it put me in mind to two other songs. Their connected by a single theme- climbing mountains or the struggle to get ahead. Actually, I think the songs could cover a host of metaphors.

I’m Tryin’

As sung by Trace Adkins

This gettin up early, pulling double shifts,
Gonna make an old man of me long before I ever get rich.
But I'm tryin
It's been two years since we've finalized,
I still ain't used to puttin ex in front of wife.
But I'm tryin.
Send more money right away, is pretty much all she has to say when she
Calls these days and don't you be late

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

I remember daddy sayin keep your eye on the ball, run like hell, play to win,
Get up when you fall
I'm tryin
Don't say nothin that you can't take back
Never do anything you might regret
No don't do that
Daddy I'm tryin
Know the difference between heaven and hell
Go easy on the bottle be hard on yourself
And I know he meant well

But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin and fallin and climbin
But I keep on tryin

There's always a mountain in front of me
Seems I'm always climbin and stumblin
And then fallin'
And then climbin'
But I keep on tryin'

This gettin up early pullin double shifts
Gonna make an old man of me
Long before I ever get rich
But I'm tryin'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Climb

As sung by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So Small"
As sung by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

[Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Yeah, Yeah

2011-01-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

The other day I was listening to the radio in my truck while I maneuvered through Nashville traffic and I found myself thinking that the song "You Found Me" by Fray was very similar to another that I had used in my journaling a few years back. I had to go looking for the name of the song. When I finally found it I couldn't help thinking that "Torn" by Natalie Imburglia was very similar in thought as well as lyrics. See what you think.

Fray: You Found Me Lyrics

Songwriters: King, Joseph; Slade, Isaac;

I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
where the west was all but one.
All alone,
smoking his last cigarette,
I said "where you been?"
He said, "ask anything."

Where were you
when everything was falling apart?
All my days,
spent by the telephone.
that never rang.
All i needed was a call
that never came.
The corner of First and Amistad...

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
just a little late...
You found me, you found me

In the end,
everyone ends up alone.
Losing her,
the only one who's ever known
who i am, who im not, and who i wanna be.
no way to know
how long she will be next to me...

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me.
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late,
You found me, you found me.

Early morning,
city breaks.
I've been calling
for years and years and years and years.
and you never left me no messages;
never sent me no letters;
you've got some kind of nerve
taking all of our world.

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure,
You found me, you found me.
lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait?
Were were you? Where were you?
Just a little late,
you found me, you found me.

Why'd you have to wait,
To find me?
To find me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natalie Imbruglia Torn Lyrics

Songwriters: Cutler, Scott Michael;Preven, Anne;Thornalley, Phil

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care what your heart is for
Well I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

Torn

hoooooooooo hoohooooooo oooooooo

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn

Torn
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
Hoh

2011-01-27T18:03:00.001-08:00

Well, I've got a new opportunity. A second chance, or maybe it's my third. I've actually lost count. At any rate it's an opportunity to reinvent myself, to start over. I've got a new job (still in my field of special education but without all the responsibility I once had).

I've moved to Columbia. I have acquaintances here. I know the town. Still I find myself feeling a little lonely tonight. Hopefully it will pass.

2011-01-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. Is "blogged" a word?

I've been preoccupied with my online courses. After I've been staring at the screen, reading the articles that have been assigned or typing in my responses, my eyes need a break.

But the real reason is that I've been working on myself- keeping my own counsel. Some might say I was isolating. They might we right. I don't know. I just felt like so much was expected of me. No matter how much I shared my feelings with family, friends, recovery buddies or my therapist, it was like everyone just passed right over them like they were unfounded.

My Al-Anon literature reminds me that "It is important to be reminded that feelings aren’t facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of reality." That's from:
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, p. 90 Still the feelings I felt seemed real. I felt like a failure because I'd lost my teaching job. It wasn't enough to feel angry or to even justify my anger by stating several truths- my tenure was not transferred to to an oversight (I could have kept my job), the assistants in the classroom took over with encouragement from the principal (neither knew a thing about special education), etc.

All I heard or saw in my head was that I had had a nervous breakdown four years ago when that screaming meanie hit my classroom and that I had never recovered. My therapist told me that there was no such thing as a nervous breakdown. She also passed over the information I gave her when I decided to share my Al-Anon story with her. All she heard was the rejection that I had experienced over and over. We attempted to do a new kind of therapy - I think it was called EMDR- where I would share a feeling or memory and she would take me to a place of relaxation in my head to eliminate it. Then she decided that we should try something else. There were also times when she took phone calls during my session because she felt comfortable enough with me that she felt I wouldn't mind. Needless to say I don't go any more.

The doctor from Centerstone did listen to me when I spoke of needing a medicine change. I've gone from Celexa to Welbutrin. I feel more myself. Although I was having trouble sleeping and found myself blowing up at stupid stuff. Sometimes I forget to take my medication- it's for twice a day. Freudian slip? I don't think so. I think I've moved beyond needing it. Maybe I'm delusional.

Friends? Not sure I have true friends. I have well meaning friends. They try to solve my problems, take me on as their charity or want to take care of me. I can care of myself!!! I only want someone to listen.

I fare better when talking to recovery buddies who've been in the program a while. My group has too many newcomers. I feel overwhelmed and that old "Controzilla" rears her ugly head. Thank you, Paradox, for the nickname. I try to get to meetings with my sponsor's group. More program people there. It helps. Can't get there often.

Family members rely to heavily on me or have unrealistic expectations. Forget sharing with them. We've had a few health scares. Mom had to have her heart shocked back into rhythm and Barry actually had a seizure (his first) due to his having depleted his sodium level. My feelings of self-pity and depression actually took a backseat because I was needed. That wasn't such a bad thing. But it is what got me into the codependent situation to begin with. I've had to work on balance.

I've gravitated more toward the God of my understanding. I think that's a good thing. When I'm in the zone I feel so much better. I remember that I'm loved and that the only expectation He has of me is to reflect His love to Him and others. That gives me the ability to love myself. I don't hear the self-hate tapes playing and I can get through the day. But I have my slips. That's when it's important to really concentrate on that still quiet voice. Songs come to me or bits of poetry. The latest song I hear is "You Raise Me Up" although in my mind I heard "Lift Me Up". So, I had to go searching from the lyrics. Thank you, Google!

I have good news to share. I'm over half way through my graduate courses. My grades are actually pretty good. Better than I expected. I have a job opportunity. I go to Nashville to finalize the paperwork. So, I'll be moving soon. To me this means a fresh start, a clean slate. I think maybe I can do this. I've just got to work on silencing those self-hate tapes. Like I said I have slips.

You Raise Me Up Lyrics
As sung by Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

2010-11-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the radio this morning when this song came on. My mind immediately went to the last scene in the movie "Pretty in Pink." But then I thought of another song that could possibly the the response.

Don’t You (Forget About Me)

As sung by the Simple Minds
From the Pretty in Pink Soundtrack

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la...

What do you think? Does this next song seem like a likely response to the first?

I Will Remember You

As sung by Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

That I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

2010-10-04T06:08:00.001-07:00

Today's Quiet Moment
Monday, October 4
Memorial of St. Francis of Assisi

First do what is necessary, then do what is possible, and before long you will find yourself doing the impossible.

St. Francis of Assisi
Italian founder of the Franciscans, 13th century

2010-09-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Sailing

As sung by Christopher Cross

Well, it's not far down to paradise
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right
You can sail away and find tranquility
Oh, the canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me

It's not far to never-never land
No reason to pretend
And if the wind is right
You can find the joy of innocence again
Oh, the canvas can do miracles
Yust you wait and see
Believe me

Sailing takes me away
To where I've always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free

Fantasy, it gets the best of me
When I'm sailing
All caught up in the reverie
Every word is a symphony
Won't you believe me

Sailing takes me away
To where I've always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free

Well it's not far back to sanity
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right
you can sail away and find serenity
Oh, the canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me

Sailing takes me away
To where I've always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free

My therapist has me doing EDMR for post traumatic stress disorder. It involves creating a safe place within your head to stop the self-hate tapes. My safe place is at or on the ocean. This song and "Cool Change" are my peace activators.

Really needed one after yesterday with my brother. I took him home after a week long visit only to have problems getting him to his apartment. Too many pit stops on the way home and a hissy fit in the parking lot of a restraunt. It was a little too much for me to handle. I was very late getting home and all I want to do today is sleep but I've got too many things to finish.

So, I'm keeping my peace activator on standby. Wish me luck.

2010-09-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

They Paved Paradise

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot,
With a pink hotel, a boutique,
And a swinging hot spot.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum.
And they charged all the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Hey, farmer, farmer, put away that D.D.T., now!
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees, please!
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Late last night I heard the screen door slam.
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

This song keeps playing in my head. Yeah, I heard it on a commercial this afternoon but it's been playing ever since Elyce called. She's got some major insanity going. Same isms, different man. I'm not sure how that goes with the song but all of the sudden I'm grateful to be celibate and jobless. Not sure that's sane. But hey, at least I'm not emeshed in drama.

2010-08-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

I Believe in Music

As sung by Mac Davis

I could just sit around making music all day long.
As long as I'm making my music, ain't gonna do nobody no harm.
And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a song
To make people want to stop all their fussing and fighting
Long enough to sing along.

I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
And I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.

Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.
So clap your hands and stomp your feet and shake your tambourine,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.

I, I believe in music.
Oh, I believe in love.
I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.

Music is the universal language, and love is the key
To peace, hope, and understanding, and living in harmony.
So grab your brother by the hand, let's sing along with me,
And lift your voices to the sky; tell me what you see.

I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.
I, I believe in music.
Oh, I, I believe in love.

2010-07-31T06:23:00.001-07:00

=========================
PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

==========================================================
Lesson 295:
"The Holy Spirit looks through me today."
==========================================================

When I look through the body's eyes, it sure doesn't seem that what I see is coming from my mind. It seems like a tree falling over in the wind or a leaf falling from a tree, a ripple on the lake has nothing to do with my mind.

It's all part of the ego's scheme to make separation seem real. At the core of this scheme is the belief that I am a body. If I did not belief that the body is real and that I am the body, I would not believe anything the body's eyes see.

Yesterday's lesson reminded me that God did not make the body but He did create His Son, Who is me and remains part of Him. Identification with the body blocks awareness of my Self, God's Son. Offering Christ the gift of my eyes so that the Holy Spirit may look through me is how I step back from body identification. What the Holy Spirit sees has nothing to do with the body. His is the vision of Love. Thus with His vision I see Love and recognize It within my Self.

As I learn to question everything the body's eyes shows me and ask instead to receive Christ's vision, I open my mind to the awareness of my Self, of Love. Nothing that seems to happen to the body that I have called me has any effect whatsoever on What I am. I am Love's extension and all there is to see is Love's extension. I am perfectly safe, for Love is harmless, kind and forever at peace. This is the gift I receive when I give my eyes to Christ today. It is the gift of freedom from all pain, all sorrow, all fear and guilt. It is the gift of recognition of my Self, seen in everyone I look upon as unity is restored to my mind. And I give thanks.

Christ asks that He may use my eyes today in order to show me unity where I once saw separation. When Christ uses my eyes, I will be shown what forgiveness shows me. I will be shown unity rather than division, Love rather than fear, peace rather than conflict, joy rather than sorrow, goodwill rather than the projection of judgment and hatred.

I am either seeing through the eyes of Christ or I am seeing through the eyes of the ego. The ego shows me the separation that stems from the belief that I broke off from the All and became an individual self, separate and alone. With this belief comes the illusionary perception that I can make decisions on my own, and that I can have a will separate from God's. The ego thought system creates the semblance of having a split off mind that is separate from God's Mind. This split off mind makes illusions of separation appear to be real. It makes the separation I see through the body's eyes appear to be solid and real.

On the other hand, I can choose to see through the eyes of Christ. Through the eyes of Christ, I see the opposite of what the ego shows me. The eyes of Christ show me that individuality and being different from Love are not true. The eyes of Christ see past the illusions of separate forms to the one formless Mind of Love That is What we all are. The eyes of Christ brings the awareness of the eternal present, the eternal now, the holy instant. The eyes of Christ see past the illusion of time and space to an awareness of the eternal Love of God, Which is all that is real.

Holy Spirit, I ask only that I see through the eyes of Christ today. I want to see the truth of oneness instead of illusions of separation. I want to forgive all my false ideas and be brought to what is eternally true. I want to remember my true Identity as eternal Love and let go of what was never real. I want to stop denying my Father and accept my brother as he truly is. I open my mind to seeing through the eyes of Christ today, remembering that what I ask for in my heart of hearts, I receive and give as I have received.

2010-07-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

This lesson comes at the right time for me. I try not to hang onto anger and resentment. When I look at my jobless situation I can't help but feel that I might be a little better off if so and so had been in my corner rather than taking pot shots at me. But then that is exploring the world of "what if" and that gets me nowhere. I have to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment. Today really is all that I have. I have to make up my mind whether to spend it in love and gratitude or in anger and resentment. Today I choose love.

=========================
PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

==========================================================
Lesson 293:
"All fear is past and only love is here."
==========================================================

I always get what I ask for in my deepest heart of hearts. If I want to see through the Holy Spirit's eyes, I will receive that. If I want to see through the ego's eyes, I will see a world of fear. I will see a world of unhappiness, depression and death. I will see specialness, competition and winning or losing. Is this what I would see today? It is my choice.

The Holy Spirit will show me the real world, where only Love is real. The Holy Spirit will show me real world underneath the sounds of fear.

Today I open my mind to see the real world. I open my mind to recognize that all fear is past and only Love is here. Today I would practice holding Holy Spirit's hand, showing me the difference between the unreal and the real. I would let my mind be healed today.

If I experience anything less than perfect peace, I have forgotten that the past is gone. I am holding the past in my mind and overlaying it on the present so that I cannot see the Love that is there. Time was made by the ego as a mechanism for the mind to use to try to hold on to the past. It is trying to say that the past exists and can influence the present. This is the basis for maintaining guilt.

If we did not retain the past in our mind through the belief in time, there would be no memory of the past to feel guilty about. There would be no basis for worry about the future, which is simply a belief that the past can repeat itself because it is not over. In the thought system of time, the past is always lurking, ready to project on the present to hide it so that fear of the future can be maintained.

In the ego thought system, the present moment is always avoided, either by projecting into the future or covering over the present with projections from what is believed to be the still real past. To the ego, the present is to be avoided at all costs, because the ego cannot exist in the present, where only Love is found.
Letting go of the past is what the Course calls forgiveness. Grievances are always about the past. When the past is gone from our mind, there can be no grievances. Most of our grievances we keep unconscious. We may go through many days feeling pretty good. But then somebody says the "wrong" thing one too many times and the grievance raises its angry head. It shows us that forgiveness was needed. Some part of our mind had set a limit on how many offenses it would accept before it would complain. Unconsciously we were keeping a tally, and when the threshold was crossed, the anger or resentment rose to the surface.

At this point we have two options. One is to try to ignore it and hope will go away. Perhaps if we avoid contact with the perpetrator who brought the grievance to the surface. This self deception will seem to work until the next one comes along who does the wrong thing one too many times. Then we discover nothing really changed.
Our other option is to bring the grievance to the Holy Spirit, honestly and openly. We don't need to hide from the grievance. We do need to acknowledge its presence in our mind and then turn it over to the Holy Spirit. If we release it fully into His hands with an open mind, His Light will show us the basis for release. We will see that where we thought there was harm, nothing occurred. We will recognize the call for Love in the behavior of another and in ourselves.

The Holy Spirit will show us the Love that we are in a way that we can recognize and accept. He will show us that the past and the fear that came with it is gone and only Love is here. Now the grievance is healed.

We may still find grievances coming up because we have not recognized what makes all grievances the same. And so we must practice bringing each grievance as it appears to the Holy Spirit. Gradually we will see the sameness in them all, until at last forgiveness is complete and we see the real world shining in the reflection of God's Love and we are ready to accept God's hand as He reaches to us to draw us into the Heaven of His Heart.

2010-07-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

2010-07-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

I think God's trying to tell me something. I got another ACIM lesson in the e-mail today.

=========================
PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

==========================================================
Lesson 291:
"This is a day of stillness and of peace."
==========================================================

Stillness and peace are our natural condition. They describe the state in which we were created. The chaos, confusion and conflict of this world are the effect of believing in the illusion that we are separate from our Creator, our Source. We can return to our natural condition by simply giving up our belief in what could never be. Belief makes experience. If we believe that we are separate, we experience all the effects, all the fear and guilt that come with believing we are separate. This need not be.

We experience this world of separation because we chose it. But in any moment we can choose differently. We need only recognize that this world truly offers us nothing that we really want. It seems insane that we would choose a world of pain and suffering. And it is insane. But in our insanity, we do not recognize that we are choosing pain and suffering. We think we are choosing independence, individuality and control of our 'lives,' which can be summed up as choosing specialness. In our insanity we do not realize that in choosing to be separate from our Source, which is our strength and our Life, we are choosing weakness and death.

The seeming complexity of the ego thought system, with its countless images, was made to disguise that we are choosing against our happiness and peace. Consequently, though the choice is simple, it is not easy because we have come to place great value in the images we believe are real. We must be taught that these images offer us nothing of value, and in fact, stand as a barrier against the stillness and peace that is our natural condition.

To be taught, we must be willing to be taught. The entire message of the Course is summed up in the introduction. But we need the remaining 1200 pages to bring us to the recognition that the world we thought was so valuable is not what we want. For most of us, it comes gradually. Little by little we see one aspect or another of what we have valued as not bringing us what we want. We become willing to let it go.

We accelerate this process by developing the practice of bringing every image we have in this world to the Holy Spirit and asking for His interpretation, His meaning. In the beginning it seems that we only are willing to bring to Him the things we perceive as painful. Gradually we begin to realize that even the forms in this world that seem to bring us pleasure have a hidden cost that keeps us from recognizing the joy and peace of Heaven that is our inheritance. And so we become more willing to bring all perceptions to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to decide for us what it means.

We ask Him to decide for God on our behalf in all things. As we let the Holy Spirit decide for God for us, He undoes the effects of all our mistaken choices, freeing us from guilt. This is how we have a day of stillness and peace.

The sentence that stands out to me in this lesson is: "This day my mind is quiet, to receive the Thoughts You offer me." My practice today is to open my mind to the Holy Spirit's quietness, the Holy Spirit's peace of mind.

In order to do this, it helps for me to pay attention to the thoughts I am accepting into my mind. I need to be vigilant to my level of peace. I need to be vigilant to keeping my mind open to receive the Thoughts that the Holy Spirit is always offering me.

Today is a day of practice. Today is a day of accepting the Holy Spirit's perception with every experience I have today. Today is a day of accepting the truth and letting go of the ego's false ideas.

2010-07-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

It has been almost two years since I completed the lessons in A Course in Miracles. So, imagine my surprise when I received a lesson in my e-mail this morning. I believe it is synchronicity.

=========================
PATHWAYS OF LIGHT
ACIM WORKBOOK LESSON
HEALING PERSPECTIVES
=========================

==========================================================
Lesson 290:
"My present happiness is all I see."
==========================================================

In the present moment, happiness is all there is to see. If I am experiencing anything that is not supreme happiness, it is because I have placed an illusion in the way of my seeing the truth. God's Will for me is that I be happy, that I share His happiness. Anything less than perfect happiness is not worthy of God's Son and therefore not worthy of me. If I experience any discomfort, pain, upset, sadness, fear, guilt, resentment or lack and don't do something about it, then I am settling for what is not worthy of me. I am accepting less than the perfect peace and supreme happiness God wills for me.

I am grateful for the Course, which gives me the means to not settle for less than God's Will for me. It is very simple. I need only give every thought of lack and loss, pain and suffering, to the Holy Spirit and open my mind to His translation of the mistaken thought in to the vision of perfect Love. He will undo the effects of all my mistaken ideas by deciding for God for me, if I but let Him.

This turning over of my thoughts requires steady vigilance and practice. I have been accustomed to letting my mind run wild in the fields of the ego thought system. Peace cannot be found in those fields. I must train my mind to not seek there for happiness, but rather to turn to the Holy Spirit in my mind.

As I make each recognition of a less than peaceful thought a reminder to turn to Holy Spirit, guilt fades away. Instead of using lack of peace as an excuse to punish myself, I use it instead as a reminder to listen to God's Voice in my mind. His Voice speaks of my innocence and the innocence of all my brothers. It speaks of our holiness and wholeness. It speaks of the Love we are and share. Today I would listen to His Voice and I will see only my present happiness.

The sentence that stands out to me in this lesson is, "Yet I would not allow my mind to be deceived by the belief the dream I made is real an instant longer." I am learning how important it is to recognize when I am allowing my mind to be deceived. I recognize clearly that the dreams I dream at night are not real, but now it is time to recognize that what I experience during the "day" is also a dream. The dream I am making during the "day" is also not real. It, too, is a dream and I need not be deceived. I can learn to recognize the "day" dream as a dream with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I always have the help of the Holy Spirit to show me the difference between what is real and what is not real. The dream I am dreaming during the "day" is also a projection that is made up by me. I understand that this need for projection comes from guilt that has been made unconscious. I now have the opportunity to see this guilt as it shows up in the dream, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, let it go.

In truth, nothing has really happened to change my Reality as an extension of Love. But at some level I am thinking that something has happened to change that truth. The fact is nothing has changed. I have just dreamed a dream and its content is not true. I am still universal Love and everyone is still universal Love. That is my lesson today and every day. "Yet I would not allow my mind to be deceived by the belief the dream I made is real an instant longer." (1:5) What I have seen in every dream I dream is not there. As I truly get this, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I will stop choosing to project guilt in dreams. As this happens, my present happiness will be all I see.

Because dreams look so real, I need the Holy Spirit to help me see their unreality. I need the Holy Spirit to show me everyone's oneness in Spirit behind the dream of separation. I need the Holy Spirit to show me the innocence behind the dream of projected guilt. The time is now to hand every dream over to the Holy Spirit to be seen for what it truly is.

2010-07-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

The Southern Renaissance

Two Founding Members from Giles County, Tennessee

John Crowe Ransom and Donald Grady Davidson

Yolanda Hughey Ezell

Careful scholars of literature have maintained that Tennessee
literature did not “truly come of age” until the appearance of a group of
poets called “Fugitives” at Vanderbilt University in 1922. Developing a
little later was a group of twelve writers- mostly Vanderbilt instructors
and students- known as “Agrarians.” During the period of 1922-1925,
the Fugitives published nineteen issues of a journal they called The
Fugitive, which was devoted almost exclusively to verse. Sometimes
called “the inaugurators of the Southern Renaissance,” the Fugitives
were in close contact with the Agrarians, and several were within the
ranks of both groups. The Agrarians, who published a variety of essays,
articles and books, were perhaps best known for their anthology published
in 1930, entitled I’ll Take My Stand: The South and the Agrarian Tradition.
The work of both Fugitives and Agrarians was praised and condemned
but scarcely ignored.1

The term renaissance is applied to an awakening of one’s soul. It’s where man looks at his past, present and future and suddenly gains clarity. In each age of man such a phase comes along that stimulates members of society to take a good look at what is going on around them. Generally the awakening is caused by an outside event or person- a catalyst- that shocks man into attentiveness.

In the case of two of Giles County’s native sons- John Crowe Ransom and Donald Grady Davidson, it was an age-old question of whether life imitates art or if art imitates life. It was a case of “what was”, “what is” and “what will be” balancing on a picket fence. Their public lives and careers were divided into three distinct eras- The Fugitive, Agrarians, and the New Criticism. In each era these men along with their contemporaries struggled to come to terms with life. The two men were literary giants who did much to enlighten not only themselves but generations of poets, writers and historians, as well as philosophers.

These two men, though vastly different in nature and approach, were instrumental in leading southern writers and historians to look at the image that the media was portraying of them. They were teachers, poets, novelists, essayists, and critics. They challenged each other and those around them to stretch their imaginations, to dream. They also held onto an idealistic image of their childhood, a rather naïve idea of what their forefathers represented, and a grim attitude over the legacy they would leave behind. In some ways these men were a paradox of the times. They represented past, present and future at a time when the South was still nursing wounded pride over losing the Civil War.

If southerners talk a lot about the Civil War that’s easy to
account for. When I was coming along, if you had a difference of
opinion with another boy, you had a fistfight. And I had many a
more. The ones I remember with the greatest clarity are the ones
I lost. And that is the way it is with the Civil War.
Shelby Foote

Beginnings

John Crowe Ransom was born April 30, 1888 in Pulaski, Tennessee. He was the third of four children born to John James and Sara Ella Crowe Ransom. To many Ransom represented the Old South due to his heritage and his family’s place in history- his maternal lineage had roots in the Ku Klux Klan.2

Donald Grady Davidson was born August 18, 1893 in Campbellsville, Tennessee to Elma Wells and William Bluford Davidson. His parents were both teachers. His father taught school in rural communities while his mother taught piano. In some ways, his roots ran deeper in the Giles County community than the elder Ransom. Davidson returned to this area briefly in 1916 to teach and he married a local girl, Theresa Sherrer.

The lives of these two men paralleled each other in many ways. Both received some schooling in Spring Hill at Branham and Hughes School. Both entered Vanderbilt University at an early age. Both taught in rural communities. Each served on the faculty at Vanderbilt. Each served in World War I. Ransom was a commissioned officer, serving as an artillery officer in France, and Davidson was a volunteer, who served as a first lieutenant in the infantry.3

Though they were from the same county, Ransom and Davidson did not meet until 1914. Ransom joined the faculty of Vanderbilt University and Davidson returned to expand his studies. In some ways it was the beginning of the Southern Renaissance that would link these men together in the minds of historians and, in others, it was the beginning of a spiritual and literary journey that would last a lifetime. And yet, “ a strong friendship did not exist between Ransom and Davidson.”4 Theirs was a relationship built around “shared causes- especially the Fugitive and Agrarianism.5 It was a turbulent alliance with many years of no communication between the two, which caused Davidson considerable grief.6

The Fugitives

The alliance began in the fall of 1914 in the most peculiar of ways. A self-proclaimed mystic, a non-practicing Jew from a prominent mercantile family in Nashville7 by the name of Sidney Mattron Hirsh was the catalyst that brought together these two young men along with others who liked to engage in philosophical debate. Until this time, most discussions of this caliber took place at Vanderbilt in the Culmet Club, an honorary society made up of journalists or would-be writers.8

Hirsh was a somewhat free spirit, an adventurer with no formal education and a varied background. “He had been the heavyweight boxing champion of the pacific fleet, and was a great friend of Gertrude Stein in her early days. He had also been a model for many of the painters of Paris: he was an enormously handsome man, very big, perfectly formed in his way- and he became the center, almost the idol of the group.”9 His introduction into the group was via his half-brother, Nathaniel Hirsh, who was a student at Vanderbilt University.

When interviewed years later, Robert Penn Warren, a former student and contemporary of both men, described the cause as “poetic exploration.”10 He was quick to point out that he was not around at the inception of the group, as he was younger, but he had much to say about the group many called the Vanderbilt or Nashville Fugitives:

“The Fugitive movement had so little to do with Vanderbilt.
Certain members of the faculty thought it was rather a shame to be
associated with the Fugitive group. It didn’t seem good enough
academically or something…but it started long before my days
there….It was before the war, before America got into the war
anyway. Some were businessmen: one was a young banker,
one was a merchant…young men who were interested in
philosophy rather than in poetry who met together because
they liked each other, because they all had common interests.
They met at each other’s houses and talked philosophy
till a late hour. Bit by bit, some of the people involved began to
write poetry and show their poetry to each other. By the time I
came along, writing poetry or discussing it was the main interest.
The group was very small, ten or twelve or thirteen people, with
no formal organization, simply a matter of friendship. And they
began to publish a little magazine called The Fugitive.11

Members of the group in addition to Hirsh, Ransom, and Davidson were Walter Clyde Curry, William Yandell Elliot, Stanley Johnson and Alec B. Stevenson. After World War I a number of younger undergraduates and poets from outside the circle began attending meetings. They included Merrill Moore, Allen Tate, Jesse Wills, Alfred Starr and Robert Penn Warren. And after she had won the 1924 Nashville Poetry Prize sponsored by Maxwell House12 Laura Riding Gottschalk, then the wife of a professor of history at the University of Louisville, became an honorary member of the group.

It was Hirsh who suggested the group publish a magazine of verse. The recommended title for the magazine came from Alec B. Stevenson. No one was fully certain about the meaning behind the title or the reason for selecting it. However, Allen Tate and Robert Penn Warren did offer explanations in later years.

According to Allen Tate’s explanation “a Fugitive was simply a poet, the wanderer, or even the wander Jew, the outcast, the man who carries the secret wisdom around the world.”13 The legend of such a person has been handed down for centuries. Poetically speaking that explanation makes a lot of sense, as there are poems by Percy Blysse Shelley and William Wordsworth about the Wandering Jew.

Robert Penn Warren, however, cited something that was written in the magazine’s first editorial. “We fly from nothing so much as the South of the magnolia.” He characterized the Poets as rebels, in other words, against the apologetic southern literature.14

The primary purpose of the magazine, however it came about the name, was in Tate’s words “The act of each individual poet trying to write the best poetry possible.”15

The poetic magazine ran from April 1922 to the spring of 1925 with Donald Davidson acting as co-editor with Ransom. There were lots of speculations as to why the magazine ended. Among them were these:

1. No one capable of functioning as editor was willing to devote the time required to serve in that capacity.
2. The four main writers no longer felt the urgent need for the journal, they had moved on.16

Whatever the reason the magazine folded, the four pillars-
Ransom, Davidson, Tate and Warren- did move on. An event of monumental proportion caught their attention in 1925 and thus, began the second leg of the alliance- The Agrarians.

The Agrarians

In 1925 the small community of Dayton became the center of national attention after John T. Scopes, a young science teacher, deliberately defied Tennessee law and taught evolution to his students. As Davidson and Ransom in amazement observed, the picture of the South presented by journalists covering the Scopes Trial, they were convinced that their section must be defended. The result was I’ll Take My Stand published in 1930.17

Twelve Southern men took up the cause and produced what many felt was a southern manifesto. By and large, though highly acclaimed by historians, Davidson would call it “the most misunderstood, unread book in American literature.”18

Joining the four pillars in their endeavor to defend the south were eight unknowns- John Gould Fletcher, Andrew Lytle, Frank Owsley, Lyle Lanier, John Donald Wade, Henry Blue Kline, Herman Clarence Nixon, and Stark Young. Each of the twelve writers took a different stance in defending their beloved south. Basically their argument was against industrialism, which they believed brought the downfall of southern society. Ransom, ever the leader, had particular thoughts about industrialism. He called it the opposite of agrarianism. In his mind agrarianism needed no explanation as it stood on its own merits. He tied it down to a belief “that agriculture, pursued with intelligence and leisure, is the model vocation, approached by other necessary tasks as much as possible. An agrarian society makes the culture of the soil the preeminent vocation, one which has preference in public policy and one that attracts the most people.”19

The writers put forth a few key points in the argument against industrialization or the Cult of Science:

1. Industrialism is not effective or enjoyable. Employment is insecure and the laborer does not get to enjoy the fruits of his labor.
2. Religion can not flourish in an industrial society because it gives an illusion of power over nature thus making industry a god.
3. Art, or the appreciation of it, decays as the public becomes disinterested in observation of nature as a leisurely activity.
4. Civility, meaning manners, conversation, hospitality, sympathy, family life, and romantic life, disappears as the curse of a strictly business class emerges.
5. Higher education becomes unnecessary as young people move into industrial jobs rather than pursuing humanities.
6. Social traditions become lost as the struggle to balance life in an industrial age contradicts our heritage.
7. Smaller numbers of people are producing food supply as the land is used to house factories.
8. Society is brainwashed into believing that it wants or needs products. Advertising is born due to overproduction, outrunning natural consumption.20

In some ways the manifesto was viewed as an attempt to fight the Civil War all over again. Some critics saw the literary effort as an anti-Union or anti-American piece of propaganda. It was as if the writers were blaming Reconstruction for the downfall of southern society. Racism reared its ugly head many times throughout the essays.

Sadly the attempt to put forth a more intelligent side to their beloved Southland went by and large unnoticed by the majority of America. To put things in perspective one only has to look at the time line. Prohibition, Women’s Rights and the Great Depression were during this time frame. Money was scarce. The family unit was changing. It could hardly be blamed on industrialism. To others, their efforts seemed shallow. These were all middle class white men who had never lived an agrarian life. Their point of view was rather tainted with rose colored glasses.

Clyde Wilson, a historian who is one of many to analyze the agrarian movement, refers to it as “The Road Not Taken.” He sheds light on the men who wrote the essays and how well thought out their arguments was. His reference to the Robert Frost poem would suggest that the South was presented two choices – to remain a largely agrarian society or to welcome industry into its midst. It would have been impossible to do both and once a decision was made there would be no going back. Perhaps that is what the Agrarians feared.

Today our society has similar issues- environmentalist vs. expansion. Same battle, different causes.

The South still seems to be made light of in today’s media. Our accents and quaint homespun sayings are the brunt of many jokes. And yet, if you listen close enough you’ll hear our words coming out of the mouths of others.

There are still poets around today to defend the southern way of life. They’re called singers. Examples of this would be Aaron Tippin’s “You’ve Got to Stand for Something”, Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama”, Alabama’s “My Home’s in Alabama” and “Song of the South”, Shenandoah’s “Sunday in the South” and Sawyer’s Brown’s “Dirt Road.”

The New Criticisms

By 1937, Ransom had outgrown his interest in the agrarian movement. As usual he gave himself completely to a new cause and very suddenly dropped an old one. His new enthusiasm was now literary criticism.21 Among those who pursued this with him were I. A. Richards, T. S. Eliot, Allen Tate, R. P. Blackmor, Yvor Winters, Cleanth Brooks and F. R. Leavis. He distanced himself from some of his old colleagues and friends, Davidson among them. It bothered Davidson to no end and as he confided in Allen Tate in 1938, “I am beginning to see myself as Ransom’s Captain Carpenter… Yet I tell myself that the long years of fellowship that have tied us together have made the alliance something that cannot be casually broken. It is unthinkable that the communion should cease, and it won’t”22 It did cease, nevertheless, between Ransom and Davidson after a relation that had persisted for a quarter-century, and it was restored only when Ransom returned to Vanderbilt to teach for a semester in 1961.23

Ransom went on to create a literary magazine at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio called the Kenyon Review. Tate created one at the University of the South called Sewanee Review. Warren also contributed to the new criticism movement.

So, what became of Donald Davidson? Some have likened him to a “memory keeper.” He went on to write textbooks for composition used in colleges across America. He also continued to write poetry and historical books. “Singing Billy” was based on a poem by Davidson that was set to music by composer Charles Faulkner Bryan of George Peabody College for Teachers. This later became a folk opera. While Ransom detached himself from his colleagues, Davidson assisted them in their literary endeavors.

In some ways, Davidson is reminiscent of the vagabond men that the character Montag meets in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. He tried to store up memories to share with future generations when they were ready to hear it. He spoke of the south in terms of history, the surroundings and the people who lived here. In many ways he was a mirror to the people.

Lee Smith, a southern writer, sums it up this way:

For a southerner, physical surroundings encompass much
more than a town or a region. Everybody has a very strong sense of
place but in the South that implies who you are and what your family
did. It’s not just literally the physical surroundings, what stuff looks like.
It’s a whole sense of the past.24

Just as Ransom served as a muse for poets, Davidson influenced historical writers and southern novelists. Among them were Russell Kirk and Erskine Caldwell.25

So what was it about the two men that brought them together and drove them apart. “In his own defense [Ransom] might say wryly that no natural law forced him to fight permanently under the southern banner. He saw himself as a man with an absolute sense of his own identity, he could assume a new tack without a crippling loss of psychic energy”26 while Davidson, on the other hand, was somewhat codependent in Ransom’s mind. He seemed to require “the consolations of community, or a cohesive, philosophically consonant group of true believers.”26

Celebrating Greatness

In 1956, the surviving Fugitives had a reunion in Nashville at Vanderbilt University. In 1980 Vanderbilt hosted a symposium honoring the Southern Agrarians on the fiftieth anniversary of the publication, I’ll Take My Stand. There were only three surviving contributors left- Robert Penn Warren, Andrew Lytle and Lyle Lanier.

Giles County has also done much to honor its native sons. In 1967 John Crowe Ransom was one of the headliners on Martin Methodist College’s Spring Arts Festival. He lectured and celebrated his birthday at a dinner held in his honor.27 A historical marker has also been placed on the south lawn of the Giles County Court house to commemorate Ransom and Davidson’s place in history.28

1 Tennessee: A Short History (second edition), Robert E. Corlew, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1981.
2 Gentleman in a Dust Coat
3 Tennessee Writers, Thomas Daniel Young, The Tennessee Historical Commission, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1981.
4 Selected letters of John Crowe Ransom, edited with an introduction by Thomas Daniel Young and George Core, Louisiana State University Press, Baton Rouge, 1985.
5 Ibid.
6 Ibid.
7 The Southern Agrarians, Paul K. Conkin, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1988.
8 Ibid.
9 Talking with Robert Penn Warren, edited by Floyd C. Watkins, John T. Hiers, Mary Louise Weaks, The University of Georgia Press, Athens, 1990.
10 Ibid.
11 Ibid.
12 Tennessee Encyclopedia of History and Culture.
13 Ibid.
14 Talking with Robert Penn Warren.
15 Ibid.
16 Tennessee Writers, Thomas Daniel Young, the Tennessee Historical Commission, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1981.
17 Ibid.
18 Ibid.
19 The Southern Agrarians, Paul K. Conkin, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1988.
20 The Literature of the American South: A Norton Anthology, William L. Andrews general editor, W. W. Norton & Company, New York, 1998.
21 The Southern Agrarians, Paul K. Conkin, The University of Tennessee Press, Knoxville, 1988.
22 Selected Letters of John Crowe Ransom, edited by Thomas Daniel Young and George Core, Louisiana State University Press, Baton Rouge, 1985.
23 Ibid.
24 Growing up Southern
25 Ibid.
26 Selected Letters of John Crowe Ransom
26 Ibid.
27 The Pulaski Citizen, April 19, 1967; The Pulaski Citizen, April 26, 1967.
28 The Pulaski Citizen, October 22, 1996; The Pulaski Citizen, October 29, 1996.

This was published in the Giles County Historical Society Bulletin, July 2008. Volume XXXIIII, Pulaski, Tennessee.

2010-07-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
--Antoine de St. Exupery

A tuning fork is a small tool that is used to tune musical instruments. It is tapped softly and then set down. As it vibrates, it gives off a musical tone. When its vibrations perfectly match the vibrations of the note played on the instrument, the instrument is in tune. When the note matches the tuning fork, this can be both felt and heard.

Our hearts work like a tuning fork. When the heart feels completely in tune with a decision or thought or action in our lives, then we know it is the right one for us. We can actually feel the harmony inside our bodies.

Sometimes what we know deep in our hearts gets clouded over by doubts and questions and other people's opinions and judgments. We need to clear away such clouds and listen to our hearts, for our hearts carry the wisdom of God.

Am I in tune with my heart today?

You are reading from the book: Today's Gift by Anonymous

2010-05-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder if we ever grow beyond the need to journal. In Al-Anon meetings I've always said that there was a great need to journal especially if you couldn't find anyone to talk to within the recovery community. I've always equated the shame, guilt, resentment, anger, depression, etc. with poison. If a child swallowed poison you'd go to every length possible to get them to throw it up. Why wouldn't you do the same thing with yourself and the self-hate tapes?

The last few months I have been taking classes online. I took two history courses and a course in enlightenment. I discovered a lot of things these past 16 weeks. First, I discovered that I really don't feel the need to compete with anyone. I only want to best myself- to do a little better each time. Second, I learned that less is more. I said very little on the discussion boards because I didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone or to disprove anything. I am who I am. Third, I learned to question my own beliefs. I had never really given much thought beyond the obvious that as a human being I am bias in my beliefs - I don't judge people based on outward appearances (race, weight, looks), religion or finacial situations but I have been bias in looking at how the actions of others only affect me. What I discovered what that my actions and the actions of those closest to me affect a wider scope of things. Fourth, I learned the power of words. I've never given much credence to the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Words hurt. But words can also heal. It's a lesson worth learning. Fifth, I learned that the road to enlightenment is often lonely. But in learning to walk alone I discovered who I am. I have a belief that I will meet others like me in my journey and that gives me some hope.

These past few months I've also met distant relatives. I shared information and received information from them in return to build our family tree. Saturday was the reunion. I took my mother with me much to the dismay of my Aunt Nelle. She has not grown beyond being embarrassed by or ashamed of my mother's mental illness. She does not recognize the 180 degree turn that Mom has taken in fighting to get her health back. Aunt Nelle focuses on all the things about Mom that she finds offensive. Today she called me to lay it all out as something I have control of or can fix. Even if I could financially pay for the things my mother needs there is no guarantee that she would use them or even keep them. She has free will. She can choose to use the tools provided or to throw them away. To lay at my feet the responsibility of another's actions is not anything new. It has been an on going injustice for more than 30 years. Today I did not argue or even raise my voice. I simply said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." and "If Mom had been in possession of this thing that you find offensive, you'd have found something else to find fault in. You did not want her to attend the reunion." It was hurtful to listen as my aunt downed my mother. It's the second time in the last three weeks that she has done this. But three weeks ago she did the same thing toward me. I was hurt and offended. I didn't retaliate or give her the satisfaction of knowing how badly I was hurt. I spoke to my sponsor, my therapist and friends in the recovery community. I actually find myself pitying her for her views toward my mother, brother and me. We are perhaps the most loyal and loving in the family- a feat that deserves praise rather than reproach.

I say that we deserve praise because learning to love oneself and to express love toward others is an enormous accomplishment for the three of us. At one time I thought I was unlovable, incapable of loving others and was, in fact, unloved. Today I know that isn't true.

The last week or so I've thought about two songs that seemed somehow related to each other and to the healing process I've been going through over the last three years. I've thought about "La Vie Boheim" from Rent and the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. The song from Rent speaks about how a small minority of people are looked upon as being out of the main stream because of their life choices. I think it also speaks against judging others. "Bohemian Rhapsody" spreaks of an individual's struggle to find his identity and to forgive himself. To me the two songs speak well of this thing we call enlightenment. The journey is about examining self and rising above the need to judge others.

I've also struggled in my friendships. The most damaged one is the one between Linda and I. I am so glad she has her own home. I know enough of her story to know how important that is for her. She grew up with nothing. To have the security of a home is huge. But I got rather tired of hearing about it especially when there were times that I have wondered how close to being evicted and homeless I have been. I've also listened to her talk about her new boyfriend. I want her to know love and to be happy. But I can't help but feeling that this relationship she is in is destined for failure. They have so many obstacles to overcome but more than that I just don't here the love and affection in her voice when she speaks of him. At times I've wondered if she was just using him. I hate to feel that way. But then there have also been the times she has hurt my feelings. I have shared that with my sponsor, therapist and recovery friends.

Linda will be speaking in less than a month. I'm long overdue a visit with her. I want to visit but I want some control over how long I stay. But I'm also very leary of staying with her while her boyfriend is there. It's not that I am opposed to him living with her. I just don't want to hear every little thing that goes on right now between them. It's not jealousy- it's envy.

I don't know. I guess I felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings tonight because I wanted to exercise my demons. I don't want to hold onto the ill feelings that my aunt's criticism brought on. I want to let go of the hurt and to get the poison out of my system. More than that I want to take ownership of my responsibility and to acknowledge my limitations. I only have control over my own actions and words. I choose to take the high road. I will not stoop to her level. I will love and accept my family as they are and hope for them to return the feelings.

The Paradox loaned me a book once. It's called Emotional Sobriety. In it I discovered that he had underlined only one sentence. Nothing else in the book had been given any attention. The sentence said something along the lines of being ready to love and accept someone as they are, not what they can become. There was a time when I had hoped that he had deliberately underlined that sentence for me to find because he had some sort of feelings for me. But today I see great wisdom in that sentence. It's not about romantic love or sexual love. It's about love for humanity. And for this gift he gave me I am grateful. I actually learned more about being a better human being from him than anyone I've encountered in the recovery community. When I grow up I hope to be just like him.

2010-05-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Here I was thinking that there must be something terribly wrong with me because I'm not stressed out about all the chaos going on around me or even remotely put out with all the trash talk that reaches my ears from time to time when it occurred to me that I was finally experiencing serenity. It is not that I am immune to the things going on around me or even blind to them. The reality is that I don't care enough about it to let it bother me any more. I'm not sick or deranged. I'm merely at peace with myself. That makes all the difference in the world to me.

I was just telling my friend Elyce that I choose to remove myself to my Island of Serenity and refuse to let negative people have access to it. It's not because I'm avoiding reality. It's more like I'm choosing to take a healthier approach to life. I choose to remain positive.

Sometimes it gets a little lonely. But I'd rather be alone than with people who have no love to give. I can love myself and that matters more to me than anything else.

2010-05-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

Strange things are coming. Not sure what to expect. Just going to sit tight and wait. I don't think it's anything bad. Just different.

2010-04-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally went on Facebook. I fought the urge to do so for some time. My aunt kept saying things like, "Your cousins are on it, why aren't you?" My thought at the time was, why do I have to do everything they do? If they jump off a clift should I do that, too? But my BFF, Linda, kept telling me how she had connected with people from her old home town and then, Elyce, spoke of reconnecting with people, too. So, I decided to try it myself.

First, I've got to say that while Facebook is a neat idea, I'm not a big fan. Maybe it's because I have a dinosaur for a computer but I think e-mail is a far better mode of communication. Besides my whole wall is taken up by the things people I have friended have done rather than an actual conversation between us.

Okay, then I went the people search and found some people I would have graduated with had I remained in Georgia. Mandy friended me and we've exchanged one e-mail. I've poked two or three others but they have yet to respond. They probably don't remember me. I just wondered what became of these people and I guess I kind of wanted them to remember me and wonder what became of me, too. Then I hear myself tell my mother in conversation about something totally unrelated- "You can't go back in time."- and I wonder if it is really ever a good idea to try to connect with people from our past.

Still, I'd like to send a shout out to those who graduated from Manchester High School in Manchester, Georgia in 1983. I would have been among you if I had not moved to Tennessee.

2010-03-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have had this song going through my head the last few days and I really don't know where it came from. I just knew that it was Harry Chapin who sang it. But in my mind the title was, "15 Tons of Bananas".

30,000 Pounds of Bananas

As sung by Harry Chapin

It was just after dark when the truck started down
the hill that leads into Scranton Pennsylvania.
Carrying thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Carrying thirty thousand pounds (hit it Big John) of bananas.

He was a young driver,
just out on his second job.
And he was carrying the next day's pasty fruits
for everyone in that coal-scarred city
where children play without despair
in backyard slag-piles and folks manage to eat each day
about thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, just about thirty thousand pounds (scream it again, John) .

He passed a sign that he should have seen,
saying "shift to low gear, a fifty dollar fine my friend."
He was thinking perhaps about the warm-breathed woman
who was waiting at the journey's end.
He started down the two mile drop,
the curving road that wound from the top of the hill.
He was pushing on through the shortening miles that ran down to the depot.
Just a few more miles to go,
then he'd go home and have her ease his long, cramped day away.
and the smell of thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes the smell of thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

He was picking speed as the city spread its twinkling lights below him.
But he paid no heed as the shivering thoughts of the nights
delights went through him.
His foot nudged the brakes to slow him down.
But the pedal floored easy without a sound.
He said "Christ!"
It was funny how he had named the only man who could save him now.
He was trapped inside a dead-end hellslide,
riding on his fear-hunched back
was every one of those yellow green
I'm telling you thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, there were thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

He barely made the sweeping curve that led into the steepest grade.
And he missed the thankful passing bus at ninety miles an hour.
And he said "God, make it a dream!"
as he rode his last ride down.
And he said "God, make it a dream!"
as he rode his last ride down.
And he sideswiped nineteen neat parked cars,
clipped off thirteen telephone poles,
hit two houses, bruised eight trees,
and Blue-Crossed seven people.
it was then he lost his head,
not to mention an arm or two before he stopped.
And he slid for four hundred yards
along the hill that leads into Scranton, Pennsylvania.
All those thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

You know the man who told me about it on the bus,
as it went up the hill out of Scranton, Pennsylvania,
he shrugged his shoulders, he shook his head,
and he said (and this is exactly what he said)
"Boy that sure must've been something.
Just imagine thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, there were thirty thousand pounds of mashed bananas.
Of bananas. Just bananas. Thirty thousand pounds.
of Bananas. not no driver now. Just bananas!"

From Greatest Stories Live: Ending #1

Yes, we have no bananas,
We have no bananas today
(Spoken: And if that wasn't enough)
Yes, we have no bananas,
Bananas in Scranton, P A

From Greatest Stories Live: Ending #2:

A woman walks into her room where her child lies sleeping,
and when she sees his eyes are closed,
she sits there, silently weeping,
and though she lives in Scranton, Pennsylvania
She never ever eats ... Bananas
Not one of thirty thousand pounds .... of bananas

2010-03-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm taking these classes online and I've come to the realization that I do better when I'm in a class that has human contact. I like the back and forth of an actual conversation. I've also come to the realization that I'm not as smart as I'd like to be. At times I feel down right lost.

But I will be a very well read person when it is all over with. For my class in Enlightenment I've read Gibbons "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire," Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment," and Nietzsche's "Beyond Good and Evil." I'm about to start on "The Count of Monte Cristo" and I'll have political writings of Thomas Paine to finish off that class. The teacher isn't very informative about what she wants. I'm a little confused about what she wants from our papers on each book and today she told me to stop being so anxious and enjoy the read. Yeah. The problem I have with that statement is that she has chosen books that I do not find enjoyable. But I will give her this- she is challenging me to think more outside the box than I ever have. I'm just not sure I will reach the level of enlightenment that she wants her students on. We started out with 5 in the class and we're now down to 3.

The other two classes I am taking are history courses. One is about learning to research. Heck, I kind of went into that one thinking I had it licked. Wrong! There are some papers due that make no sense to me. His idea of research is a little different from mine but I'm holding my own. I kind of like the class. It's the discussion boards that frustrate me. It's like the other students are all jocking to show who is the smartest. Me? I just scan the readings and summarize it in the only way I know how. Plain and simple.

The second history class is in historiography. Yeah, I know. I'd never heard of that either. It's actually the study of how history is written. There is a lot of reading in it, too. One of the points I've been a little confused about is the idea of the Christian historian. The Bible is actually viewed as a history book. While, I will agree that there is some historical data contained in the Bible, I view it more as a moral tool rather than a textbook. But all in all I'm doing pretty well in that class. But the proof will be in the pudding as they say. I've got a research paper to write and I'm struggling to come up with enough on the topic to fit the format he has set for us. Challenging. I love a good challenge but I'm a little weary from the effort. I still feel that I need the give and take of an actual conversation.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to finish up the WWII project I started. I'm in the home stretch but I keep losing data and pictures. Hopefully, I've got that licked now so that I can do the index.

On a personal note, I have a neighbor who is really pressing his way into my life and I don't like it one bit. I'm not attracted to him and I really feel it is inappropriate of him to try to pawn himself off on me. I've been as polite as I can be about trying to tell him that I'm not interested. I finally told him today that my interest lay elsewhere. But at this moment I'm happy and content because I don't feel the necessity to be in any kind of relationship. But when I am, I want the whole enchilada. I want the physical as well as the emotional. I want to feel wanted and loved. I've never had that before and I feel that I deserve it. Until then I will remain celebate and grateful that God loves me just as I am warts and all.

2010-02-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

Classes began Feb. 1. I've been up to my ears in assignments. I felt a little stupid at the beginning. But I'm feeling a little more at ease now. It's a lot of reading and writing. I still feel a little out of the loop but I like the challenge.

2010-01-31T16:33:00.000-08:00

Buy American Made! The other day the maintenance man came to my apartment to fix the toilet and I learned that he had bought it and hundreds of others from Mexico because he said they were better made and cheaper. Then he went on to tell me that that company he bought them from had gone out of business. He learned that he would have to remove all of the toilets he had installed in various places around the county because no one sold the parts. But apparently a local hardware store found a place where they could order the parts and he is now able to fix the toilets.

Now, I've received several forwards over the course of a year about buying American or challenging me to look for the American made products when shopping in the store. So, after the ordeal with the toilet I decided to start with my bathroom and see what other items in there are not made in America. I am proud to announce that only two products in my bathroom are currently not made in the USA- Vicks Vapor Rub and a body wash. This means that 98% of what I use for dental care, hair care, skin care, cold remedies and cleaning products, etc. are made in the USA. That made me feel pretty good.

I challenge everyone to do the same. In fact, I wish there was a website that listed all the products that are made in the USA. It would be helpful.

2010-01-27T14:22:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was given a new used computer with all these neat electronic devices to go with it. I so wanted to paraphrase Jack Nicholson from the movie Batman and ask, "Where do you get such marvelous toys?" I was given a USB and a thumb nail attachment (am I calling them the right thing?) and a very odd looking thing called an iomega. Wow! I now realized how much I was missing with my dinosaur. But I'm still up and running with it, too. I've got too much research on my trusty dinosaur to scrap it completely.

2010-01-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

Fireflies

As sung by Owl City

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

I really like this song. I have been trying to think of what other group these guys remeind me of and I'm drawing a blank. On the one hand I think of Herbie Hancock because they're polytechnical. On the other hand- I don't know. At any rate I like this song because I can certainly identify with the lyrics.

2010-01-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been an eventful couple of weeks.

I've learned that I will receive financial aid for the online courses with American Public University. Yay!

I've finally shaken the crud that is going around. No more sinus infection but I still have the nose bleeds.

The WWI book has almost sold out. The historical society is talking about having more printed. The WWII book has not gone to press yet and it has already generated some interest, with people signing up to purchase a copy.

2010-01-07T07:45:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure but I think I might be channeling my inner '60's child. Hey, that's not so startling- I was born in 1965! Yesterday the e-quiet moment from Catholic Digest said something about the color of winter being in the imagination. That made me think of two different songs- Hazy Shade of Winter and California Dreamin'. So, today as I look at the dusting of snow on the parking lot and listen as the meteorologist says that we are not going to escape the blizzard of 2010, I offer up these two songs. It seems to me that Simon and Garfunkel were answered by the Mamas and the Papas- the songs complement each other.

Hazy Shade of Winter

Originally sang by Simon and Garfunkel
Remake by the Bangles

Time, time, time
See what's become of me

Time, time, time
See what's become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside
It's bound to be a better ride
Than what you've got planned
Carry a cup in your hand

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes my friend
That's an easy thing to say
But if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again

Look around
Grass is high
Fields are ripe
It's the springtime of my life

Seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky
It's a hazy shade of winter

Look around
Leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground

California Dreamin’

As sung by the Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are brown
(All the leaves are brown)
And the sky is gray.
(And the sky is gray).
I've been for a walk
(I've been for a walk)
On a winter's day.
(On a winter's day).

I'd be safe and warm
(I'd be safe and warm)
if I was in L.A.
(If I was in L.A.)
California dreamin'
(California dreamin') on such a winter's day.

Stopped in to a church I passed along the way.
Well I got down on my knees
(got down on my knees)
And I pretend to pray.
(I pretend to pray).
You know the preacher likes the cold.
(preacher likes the cold).
He knows I'm gonna stay.
(knows I'm gonna stay).
California dreamin'
(California dreamin') on such a winter's day.

(Bridge)

All the leaves are brown
(All the leaves are brown)
And the sky is gray.
(And the sky is gray).
I've been for a walk
(I've been for a walk)
On a winter's day.
(On a winter's day).

If I didn't tell her
(If I didn't tell her)
I could leave today.
(I could leave today).
California dreamin' (California dreamin')on such a winter's day,
California dreamin' on such a winter's day,
California dreamin' on such a winter's day.

2010-01-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I wrestled with my bed. I was cold and sick to my stomach but I couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep. To add insult to injury, my Higher Power chose to put a song in my head. I could hear snatches of it but I had no idea what the song was or who sang it. Since I've been up this morning, I've had the opportunity to look it up. Don't know the significance of the song to me.

The Search is Over

As sung by Survivor

How can I convince you, what you see is real?
Who am I to blame you for doubting what you feel?
I was always reaching, you were just a girl I knew.
I took for granted the friend I have in you.

Chorus:
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment.
Taking on the world, that was just my style.
Now I look into your eyes, I can see forever.
The search is over, you were with me all the while.

Verse 2:
Can we last forever, will we fall apart?
At times it's so uncertain, these questions of the heart.
You've followed me through changes, and patiently you'd wait,
Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate.

Chorus: (See above)

Bridge:
Now the miles stretch out behind me, loves that I have lost.
Broken hearts lie victims of the game.
Then good luck, it finally struck like lightning from the blue.
Every highway leads me back to you.

Verse 3:
Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done.
The search has come full circle.
Our destinies are one.
So if you ever loved me, show me that you give a damn.
You'll know for certain the man I really am.

Repeat Chorus

Finale:
Then I touched your hands, I can hear you whisper:
The Search is over, Love was right before my eyes.

2009-12-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

Teacher

As sung by George Michaels

I've had enough of danger
People on the streets
I'm looking out for Angels
Just tryin' to find some peace
I think it's time
That you let me know
So if you love me,say you love me
But if you don't just let me go

'Cuz teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I don't wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that you're mine
Becuz there ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him Good bye..Goodbye...Goodbye

When you were just a stranger
And I was at your feet
I didn't feel the danger
Now I feel the heat
That look in your eyes
Tellin' me no
So you think that you love me
Know that you need me
I wrote this song,I know it's wrong,Just let me go

Teacher, there are things that I don't want to learn
And the last one I had made me cry
So I don't wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that you're mine
'Cuz there ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him Goodbye

So when you say that you need me
That you'll never leave me
I know your wrong,your not that strong
Let me go

Teacher, there are things that I still have to learn
But the one thing I have
Is my pride

Oh so I don't wanna learn to hold you,touch you
I think that you're mine
Becuz there ain't no joy
For an uptown boy
Who just isn't willing to try

I'm so cold inside
Maybe Just one more try

This morning I heard this song among many that spoke to me. My feeling for the past few weeks has been one of regret- not of things I've done or said but of things that never were. Call it unrequited love or whatever. The root of the problem was, and always seems to be, fear.

I was in my thirties when I finally got married and I chose someone who was not physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally there for me. I actually "saw" the verbal abuse before it came. It's so heart breaking when you see something coming before it gets here and you hope that you are wrong. At any rate it makes me not want to dive into the pool again. Shoot, I don't even want to stick my foot in to test the waters!

Fear. There's only so much verbal abuse a person can take. And it's not just with the love relationships- it's with all of them. I had a rough patch on my job last year. I have no idea what prompted the humiliating comments as I was the same person I'd always been. All I know is suddenly I was the target again. It gets old.

In the book Return to Love, I learned that everyone I encounter is a potential teacher. So, it kind of makes sense that I choose this George Michael song this morning.

Love Heals

from the Broadway musical Rent

[Maureen]
Like a breath from midnight air
Like a lighthouse, like a prayer

[Angel]
Like a flicker and a flare,
the sky reveals

[Both]
Like a walk along the shore
that you've walked a thousand times before
Like the ocean's roar

[Maureen]
Love heals

[All]
Ooooooh

[Joanne]
There are those who shield their hearts
and those who quit before they start

[Roger]
Who've frozen up the part of them that feels

[All]
Don't freeze your heart

[Roger & Joanne]
In the dark,
they've lost their sight
Like a ship without a star in the night,
but hold on tight

[All]
Love heals

[Joanne]
When you feel like you can't go on

[All]
Love heals

[Joanne]
Hold on to love, it'll keep you strong

[All]
Love heals

[Joanne]
When you feel like you can't go on

[Collins]
Feel you can't go on

[All]
Love heals

[Collins]
Hold onto love,
it'll bring you home

[Maureen & Benny]
Love heals when pain's too much to bear.
When you reach out your hand,
and only the wind is there

[Mimi & Mark]
When life's unfair,
when things like us are not to be

[Maureen & Benny]
Love heals when you feel so small
Like a grain of sand,
like nothing at all

[Joanne & Collins]
When you look out at the sea,
that's where love will be.
That's where you'll find me,
you'll find me

[Joanne]
So if you fear the storm ahead

[Maureen]
As you lie awake in bed
There's no one

[Joanne]
No one to hold your hand

[Maureen]
And your mind

[Joanne]
Your mind

[Both]
Your mind reels

[Mimi]
If your face is salty wet,
and you're drowning in regret,
Just

[All]
Don't forget
Don't forget
Don't forget
Don't forget

[Collins]
Love will lead you home

[Joanne]
Keep in song

[Maureen]
Keep it in your heart, baby

[All]
Love heals

[Collins]
When you feel like you can't go on

[All]
Love heals

[Collins]
Love,
love's gonna carry you on

[All]
Love heals

[Collins]
When you feel like,
when you feel like you can't go on

[All]
Love heals.

[Collins]
Oh, I'm telling you,
it will lead you home

[All]
Love heals

I pray this next year will be one of healing and a chance to step out into the world without fear. I pray this for myself and everyone else who may have experienced the same things that I have.

2009-12-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ah, Christmas! The time to celebrate the birth of our savior. The time for peace on Earth, good will toward men. If only this feeling of joy and serenity could last longer than the time it takes to open presents. I think Christmas has become too commercial. Here I am with my family- my mother and my brother- and all I can think of is that I will be glad when Christmas is over. My brother has more to complain about than I believe is humanly possible and in my mother's attempt to calm him down, she only makes his mood worse. Thankfully, my brother will go home on Monday. Then Mom and I can get back to business as normal. Whatever normal might be these days.

I'm supposed to go down to Linda's for New Year's but I really wish that I could have a week or more to recover from my Christmas. It will take me a while to clean up the mess and recoup my financial situation.

Ah, Christmas! Wish the meaning was more clear and people could just be grateful to be together. We spend too much and in these times that's not a good thing. Christmas should not come at a price. It should be a time of peaceful worship and gathering together for that common cause.

Perhaps there is hope yet that things will turn around and we will become a more grateful, spiritual people.

Here is the poem that sprang to mind this Christmas. Somehow I thought it said something else. But maybe it sums us how I feel after all.

THE WORLD IS TOO MUCH WITH US; LATE AND SOON

THE world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
The Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.

William Wordsworth

2009-12-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

Peace On Earth - Little Drummer Boy
David Bowie featuring Bing Crosby

(db) = David Bowie
(bc) = Bing Crosby

(both)

Come they told me
pa rum pum pum pum
A new born king to see
pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring
pa rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum

(bc #1)

Come they told me
pa rum pum pum pum
A new born king to see
pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring
pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the king
pa rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum
So to honor him
pa rum pum pum pum
when we come

(db #1)

Peace on earth, can it be
Years from now, perhaps we'll see
See the day of glory
See the day, when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again
Peace on earth, can it be

(both)

Every child must be made aware
Every child must be made to care
Care enough for his fellow man
To give all the love that he can

(bc #2)

Little baby
pa rum pum pum pum
I stood beside of them
pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for him
pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for him
pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum
Then he smiled at me
pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum

(db #2)

I pray my wish will come true
For my child and your child too
He'll see the day of glory
See the day when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again
Peace on earth, can it be

(both)
Can it be

I think the David Bowie part from Peace on Earth could be sung year round these days. Peace is in short supply in various parts of the world.

2009-12-15T09:27:00.000-08:00

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

I've always liked the song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones but I've never listened beyond the chorus, mainly because I find Mick Jagger so hard to understand sometimes.

Anyway the song popped into my head this morning as I was doing my little errands and chores around the apartment. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking about before then but suffice it to say, I am pretty content even grateful for what I have. My needs are pretty well met.

2009-12-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

I've done a more intense inventory of myself lately. Apparently I have been living a lie. I was in the wrong line of work for 20 years. I'm an introvert who was attempting to be an extrovert. The best time in my work career actually came while I was amid the chaos of an alcoholic marriage. I threw myself under the bus and dared it to run over me!

I realize how happy I am to write. I have loved doing the research on the books I've worked on for the Giles County Historical Society. The WWI book is on sale now and although I will not profit from it, I am extremely proud of this first attempt at writing. Currently I am finishing up one on WWII. Now, these books are not just about the veterans who fought or even the horrors of war itself, they are about the people who lived through those times- our ancestors. They are about people like us who learn to cope, survive, thrive, etc. If I could make a living at writing, I'd be the happiest woman alive. But my books will most likely never see the hands of an esteemed publisher. And, believe it or not, I'm okay with that. It's not about the end result. It's about the process, the journey.

I'm still among the ranks of the unemployed. I have received an extension on my unemployment check. I'd rather have a job but there aren't any at the present. I've signed up for the stimulous money for college. I hope to learn that I will receive some. But in the meantime, I've also filled out paper work for financial aid. I'm going to take courses online from American Public University. I'm working on a Master's in History with a practicum option. At the end of my studies I should be able to get a job doing something I love. At any rate I hope so.

I just finished watching the movie Julie and Julia. It was great! I came in here to the computer afterwards just to see if that blog actually existed. Wow! Julie Powell actually worked her way through Julia Child's cook book. I think my mother once had that book. Not sure where it got off to after we moved her into assisted living. But I do remember seeing that book among her cook books.

Tomorrow I will be going to Lawrenceburg to an Al-Anon meeting with my sponsor. I'm taking the Christmas present I have for her with me. Afterwards I'll be visiting with Mom and trying to figure out what is wrong with her telephone. Perhaps we will be able to get her payee on the telephone and see if the bill was paid. Then, I've got to take the truck to have the oil changed and the antifreeze looked at. It's making a terrible racket and the gages are going all weird. Hey, I know nothing about trucks, but I do know a weird sound when I hear it.

2009-12-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)

As sung by Simon and Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...Feelin' Groovy.

Hello lamp-post,
What cha knowin'?
I've come to watch your flowers growin'.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo,
Feelin' groovy.

I've got no deeds to do,
No promises to keep.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.
Life, I love you,
All is groovy.

I am totally unsure of why this song came to me right now. I was watching David Tutera plan a wedding and out came this song in my head. What does it mean to "feel groovy?" Is it the same as feeling at peace?

2009-12-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to think these days. To tell you the truth I spend more time feeling than I do thinking. I'm at peace. And that's hard to believe because I'm without a job and have no prospects of one on the horizon. I received my last unemployment check this week and I'm hoping I qualify for an extension.

I saw an old recovery buddy of mine on Monday and I told her that am doing better right now than I ever was while I worked. I think it's because I've simplified so many things in my life.

All I know is that I feel like I've finally achieved serenity- the peace that surpasses all understanding. It doesn't really matter to me how I got it, I'm so so happy to be there. You know what I mean?

2009-11-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

Holdin' On

As sung by Carmen

They said I'd never make it
They said I would not last a day
They said when things got heated up
I would get blown away

But I'm still here Lord
Still strong, and I'm still

Holdin' on (every day), holdin' on (everyway)
Holdin' on (every minute), Holdin' on (I'm still in it)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand

They said I was too fragile
That livin' right was just a dream
They said I didn't have the stuff
To try and swim up stream

But I'm still here Lord
Still strong, and I'm still

Holdin' on (through the fire), holdin' on (I'm goin' higher)
Holdin' on (through the flood), Holdin' on (through the blood)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand

Through the darkness, and through the night
I walk by faith and not by sight

Because I'm hangin' on to God's Word
Holdin' on for what I've heard
Thinkin' through the mind of Christ
Walkin' in the way that's right

His promises are true, His love is everlasting
His power is available only for the asking
When you sow the Word, faith is what you reap
You can be rough, tough, hard to bluff, if you keep

Holdin' on (every day), holdin' on (everyway)
Holdin' on (every minute), Holdin' on (I'm still in it)
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand
I got strength to stand
I'm holdin' on to God's unchangin' hand

2009-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

When I was about 7 years old my mother bought me a record player and a few 45's to play on it. One of the first 45's I ever got was "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head." I played and sang it over and over until I developed another favorite- "Judge You're Going Funky" by the Purple Haze (I think).

At any rate, I remembered that I had this song on a CD in my truck. I had just gotten my truck back after a month of no transportation and I popped the CD in. It seemed to me that B.J. Thomas was speaking to me. I've had a lot of troubles but I'm still at peace. So, I adopted this song as my theme song.

Then I made my trip to Lawrenceburg where my mother is in assisted living to drop off supplies and to fill her medicine chest. And the truck broke down. I called a Chevrolet dealership since I was out of town and had no clue what tow truck or mechanic I should call. The dealership is taking care of my truck and I've got a loaner until I can get the truck fixed. Whew!

I went ahead and bought groceries when I got back into town because I had been putting it off due to not knowing about other bills. It seems to me that I need to take care of basic needs first today- groceries, laundry, etc. The rest will have to wait.

At any rate I'm going to try to stay in the serenity zone and not let these "raindrops" get to me. It's a little difficult but if I stay busy with other things I believe I'll be okay.

One of today's project is getting together all my teaching materials to be donated. I've got 5 boxes to give the church, 2 boxes for Darcy's grandchildren and 3 boxes to give to Sherry for use in her classroom. I've found the items. I'm just boxing them up and bagging them a little more orderly. It felt good to have that to do.

My other project is, of course, my World War II manuscript and laundry. Can't get into the laundry room right now everything is occupied. All good things to those who wait as they say. It will be done and if it isn't...well, I still have clean clothes to wear. It will eventually get done.

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

As sung by B. J. Thomas

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

[trumpet]

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

2009-11-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

Ever since the Al-Anon meeting on Monday I've had this song going through my head. We're doing the Tradition Study for Healthy Relationships by Mary Pearl and there was a question about what we do when we feel vulnerable. I said I run. Fear of rejection keeps me from telling others how I really feel.

Hopefully I'll exorcise some more demons when I tell my story on Saturday in Childersburg. My truck is being held hostage by Larry Gibson until I pay off my balance. So, Norm is picking me up tomorrow morning and handing me over to Linda. I really don't know how I will get home. I've got the phone numbers from two Al-Anons here. Hopefully, one of them will come through for me.

The check from my 401K came in today but it has to sit in the bank for 5 business days before I can touch any of it. So, I will not be able to get my truck back until Thursday of next week at the earliest.

Go the inside scoop on a Case Manager job with Centerstone. Sent my resume. Hope to at least get an interview out of it.

Run Runaway

As sung by Slade

Hold on!

I like black and white (dreaming of black and white)
You like black and white
Run run away

CHORUS

See chameleon Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Run run away

If you're in the swing (money ain't everything)
If you're in the swing
Run run away

CHORUS

If you gotta crush (don't beat about the bush)
When I gotta crush
Run run away

CHORUS

Oh now can't you wait (love don't come on a plate)
Oh now can't you wait
Run run away

See there chameleon
Lying there in the sun
All things to everyone
Run run away

Run run away
Run run away
Run run away

2009-10-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

This song was sung during mass on Sunday. It's been in my head ever since. When I went to look up the lyrics on Google I found them on a Pete Seeger website.

How Can I Keep From Singing

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation.
I hear the real, thought far off hymn
That hails the new creation
Above the tumult and the strife,
I hear the music ringing;
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

What through the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
What through the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of Heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear,
And hear their death-knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near,
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging.
When friends by shame are undefiled,
How can I keep from singing?

2009-10-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

Your Daily E-Quiet MomentThursday, October 22, 2009

There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on our shoulder.
Charles Morgan
English writer, 20th century

Calling All Angels

By Jane Siberry

Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
and all the rest

a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing

then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels
calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...

and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes

2009-10-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

One Way or Another

As sung by Blondie

One way or another, I'm gonna find ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya' ,get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna see ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', meet ya', meet ya', meet ya'
One day maybe next week, I'm gonna meet ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', I'll meet ya'

I will drive past your house and if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around
One way or another, I'm gonna find ya'
I'm gonna get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya'
I'll get ya', I'll get ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna see ya'
I'm gonna meet ya', meet ya', meet ya', meet ya'
One day maybe next week ,I'm gonna meet ya'
I'll meet ya' ah

And if the lights are all out I'll follow your bus downtown
See who's hangin' out
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna give you the slip
A slip of the lip or another I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna trick ya', I'll trick ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna trick ya', trick ya', trick ya', trick ya'
One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'

I'm gonna give you the slip
I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout, some specials and rat food
Get lost in the crowd
One way or another I'm gonna get ya'
I'll get ya'
I'll get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call

I have no idea why this song popped into my head. But I think it has something to do with my neighbor, Steve, who suddenly finds himself without a girlfriend and he's trying to convince me that we would go well together.

Red flags keep going up and sirens go off in my head. When I listened to his drunkalog it seemed to me that he had almost the same MO as my ex. Steve's been in rehab but he doesn't seem to think he should have to give up drinking beer. He says he stays off of the hard stuff because it made him mean. He doesn't have his driver's license any more because of too many DUIs.

I've heard him say that he will have to find a full time job because minus his live in girl friend's salary he won't be able to make it. Heck, I'm living on unemployment. I sure hope he isn't angling himself at me so that I can take care of him. I'm not in that business any more.

He also seems to know my every move- what my schedule or routine is- and it gives me the creeps. I don't mind being a friend but I am a little more than leary about him becoming a permanent fixture in my life.

Everything feels so forced. What I want is something that flows. Something along the lines of the relationship I had with Mac. And yet I want someone more solid than Mac. Linda used to say I had two loves- Mac and Mike. It's true. I think I did. Mac was warm and loving until the cravings set in. Mike was- more like me. I wanted to get to know him better (Linda says I want to slurp him up and down. Yes, I think he's slurpilicious.) but I never could really figure out what he wanted. I really think he's more bisexual than he is gay. I don't know. I gave up trying to figure it out. It was keeping me off balance. I fought my feelings too much and had to fade out. Besides, Linda is right. If I'm reaching out first all the time, then there was no friendship. The ball is still in his court.

My vehicle is in the shop again. Gibsons came and got it because I was over my credit with them. I get it back when I've paid up most of it. I'm cashing in my last 401K to get it back and catch up on some things. I'm rolling my teacher into a new account. This should buy me a little time. If I don't get a job before my unemployment runs out I will be forced to move in with Linda, as I have no other place to go.

2009-10-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm Alive

As sung by Celine Dion

Mmmmm ... Mmmmm ...
I get wings to fly
Oh, oh ... I'm alive ... Yeah

When you call on me
When I hear you breathe
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive

When you look at me
I can touch the sky
I know that I'm alive

When you bless the day
I just drift away
All my worries die
I'm glad that I'm alive

You've set my heart on fire
Filled me with love
Made me a woman on clouds above

I couldn't get much higher
My spirit takes flight
'Cause I am alive

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When I hear you breathe
(When I hear you breathe)
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive
(I am alive)

When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
Raising spirits high
God knows that...

That I'll be the one
Standing by through good and through trying times
And it's only begun
I can't wait for the rest of my life

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
I get wings to fly
I feel that...

When you bless the day
(When you bless, you bless the day)
I just drift away
(I just drift away)
All my worries die
I know that I'm alive

I get wings to fly
God knows that I'm alive

2009-10-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

I just watched "Freedom Writers" with my mother. I pulled the movie out because she was reading the Diary of Anne Frank. Something different hits me each time I watch this movie. Tonight it occurred to me that we each just want someone to know who we really are and to care. I've tried over time to hand-pick my person but each time I fail to find anyone to care. But there is still hope.

2009-10-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

I must be coming out of my depression because I'm beginning to reconnect with my Higher Power through the arts again. Today in my head I heard the words to "When You Love Someone." I'm not sure where my mind was going with that but it seems to follow the theme that began in mass on Sunday. I listened as the visiting priest explained what love and marriage was all about. I remember thinking that I never had what he was talking about. I tried to supply it from my end but I was never on the receiving end. I never felt loved or wanted, just needed.

Today I know what I want. I do want someone to spend my life with. But I don't want to be the person who always reaches out first and gives all the time. Today I want to be the person that is called first and receives love in return. Love isn't about things. It isn't about money. It's about wanting to be with the other person. It's about quality time apart and together.

I think I fell in love with love when I was younger. I chased after it. I stalked it. Today I wonder about the object of my affection but I do nothing to find out what is going on in his life because he doesn't inquire about mine. I tell myself that if he really cared about me in any way, he'd e-mail or call. I keep thinking maybe he will show up in Childersburg on November 7th to hear me speak. But I know that he won't. In fact, he may not even be aware that I am speaking.

I'm not sure why I love this man. I just know he has gotten under my skin. He irritates the life out of me and I like it. But I can't respond because I don't know what he wants. I can't be someone to be used again. I just won't allow myself to respond if that is the case. My heart wouldn't recover from a second relationship like that. The first time almost killed me.

When You Love Someone

As sung by Bryan Adams

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

2009-10-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

Peace Like a River

As sung by Paul Simon

Ah, peace like a river ran through the city
Long past the midnight curfew
We sat starry-eyed
Ooh, oh,we were satisfied
O-o-oh, And I remember
Misinformation followed us like a plague
Nobody knew from time to time
If the plans were changed
Oh, oh, oh, if the plans were changed.

You can beat us with wires
You can beat us with chains
You can run out your rules
But you know you can't outrun the history train
I seen a glorious day, aiee------

Ah, four in the morning
I woke up from out of my dreams
Nowhere to go but back to sleep
But I'm reconciled
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while

Oh, oh, oh, I'm going to be up for a while

As I sat in the parish before mass today the song, Peace Like a River Flows, popped into my head. I can't say that I've ever heard the song, certainly I've never heard Paul Simon's version. But somehow after looking up the lyrics it seemed to fit.

The topic of the mass was marriage. The first reading came from Genesis. It's where God decided that it was not good for man to be alone. So, the priest said that the first idea he wanted to talk about was that most of the problems like depression stem from loneliness. I agree.

The second reading came from Hebrews I believe. It spoke of the marriage between the church and Christ. The second point was that in marriage the husband and the wife are presented with the unconditional love of God through the spouse. The third reading was from Mark, I think. It was about the law that Moses made concerning divorce. I read the bulletin this morning.

The third reading seemed to be the subject of the writing. I don't know who writes the little reading in our bulletin but it was really good. It spoke of how divorce used to be taboo, a cause for guilt and shame, and that how now it is become the norm. Well, I guess I'm a dinosaur. I didn't want a divorce. But there came a time when it could not be avoided.

I think a lot of my depression is from loneliness but it's also from feeling like a failure in my chosen profession. Then there is the issue of my health. I can't do a lot of the things I once did because I'm in pain all the time. I spend a lot of time in bed to ease the pain which means I sleep a lot.

Some days are better than others. There are actually days when I'm pain free and I feel so alive. Those are the days when I get the most done. I'm praying that I have more days like that.

I learned from Linda that she is going to tape my talk in November. That puts a little more pressure on me. I've been thinking about my truth for a while and trying to discern where the most changes in myself have occurred. I'm not really sure but I think I've evolved so much that it's hard to tell what came first. Does that make sense?

2009-10-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I just watched an old episode of Criminal Minds from season 2 called The Fisher King. I was only familiar with the movie by the same title that starred Robin Williams. I had no idea who or what the Fisher King really was until tonight.

The last line of the TV show prompted me to do a little research because it kind of pinpointed what I've been feeling lately. The quote was said by the character Spencer Reid but it is actually attributed to Rose Kennedy. "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

In Arthurian legend the Fisher King was charged by God with guarding the Holy Grail, but later incurred some form of incapacitating physical punishment for his sin of pride and had to wait for someone to deliver him from his suffering. Most legends have his savior to be Percival, sometimes called "the fool", because he appears to be less than the other knights. However it is he, according to some legends, who actually discovers the correct cup "the Holy Grail" when he believes that the Fisher King might be thirsty and offers him something to drink. Pride is overcome by its opposite- humility.

The legend that the writers of Criminal Minds chose to refer to was the one that says Percival was to ask the Fisher King "Whom does the grail serve?". This was to lead the Fisher King to a realization of his own unworthiness and thereby heal his wounds and allow him to receive redemption. The question that the character Reid put to the unsub in this episode was along the same lines. "Can you forgive yourself?" Of course, the unsub in this case could not.

All of this got me to thinking about my Fourth Step Inventory. I've been thinking about it alot lately because Linda has asked me to tell my story November 7 in Childersburg. Today I learned that she has gotten Bo to agree to come record it. Wow! Now that kind of put me in another zone.

I used the character Don Quixote to help me do my Fourth Step Inventory. His quest reminded me of my own. At one time, I felt like I needed to become someone else in order to find out why I was here. What I discovered through my hero Don Quixote is that I'm okay just as I am. I don't need to become something or someone else in order to take this journey, go on this quest. The prize at the end of the quest or journey isn't the actual reward. The reward is the quest or journey itself.

I wasn't searching for forgiveness. And yet maybe I was. The research I did on-line referred me to a poem I remember liking when I was a teenager. The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot is supposed to somehow be tied into the legend of the Fisher King although I found no reference to it. What I did learn, and maybe this is why I liked it to begin with, is that the poem details the journey of the human soul searching for redemption. So, maybe it is about forgiveness after all.

I found some songs about time healing all wounds but the one that played in my head did not have the actual words about time or wounds healing. It was a Sawyer Brown song entitled, "Heart Don't Fall Now". As I looked over the lyrics it occurred to me that it was actually about wounds of the heart. And maybe, just maybe, that is what my journey has been about.

Heart Don't Fall Now

As sung by Sawyer Brown

Here [he] comes again, but me and you
We're gonna close the door
We won't let [him] in, we're not gonna do it, like we've done before
Stay here with me, keep a steady beat
But not to loud, [he] might be listening

Chorus
Oh heart, don't fall now
If you do I might never bring you back around
Heart take it slow, don't let [him] know
Just how much we really need [him] now
Heart, don't fall now

[He] can break me down but [he] won't get through
If you'll be on your guard, when [he] reaches out
Oh, I'm counting on you, not to fall apart
Here comes that touch
We've been missing for such a long, long time
I feel you giving in

Chorus

You'll pull it off some how
This can be our finest hour
Ah, heart without you
I might not get through it
Don't know if I can do it

Repeat Chorus Three Times

2009-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sad Songs

As sung by Elton John

Guess there are times when we all need to share a little pain
And ironing out the rough spots
Is the hardest part when memories remain
And it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio
`Cause from the lips of some old singer
We can share the troubles we already know

Turn them on, turn them on
Turn on those sad songs
When all hope is gone
Why don't you tune in and turn them on

They reach into your room
Just feel their gentle touch
When all hope is gone
Sad songs say so much

If someone else is suffering enough to write it down
When every single word makes sense
Then it's easier to have those songs around
The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you
and it feels so good to hurt so bad
And suffer just enough to sing the blues

Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say
Sad songs, they say so much

2009-09-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

Love You Inside and Out

As sung by the Bee Gees

Baby, I can't figure it out
Your kisses taste like honey
Sweet lies don't gimme no rise
Oh, oh what you're trying to do?

Livin' on your cheatin'
and the pain grows inside me
It's enough to leave me crying in the rain
Love you forever but you're
driving me insane
and I'm hanging on
Oh, oh, I'll win, I'll never give in

Our love has got the power
Too many lovers in one lifetime
ain't good for you
You treat me like a vision in the night
Someone there to stand behind you
When your world ain't working right

I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out
I love no other way

What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Wrap myself up and take me home again
Too many heartaches in one
lifetime ain't good for me
I figure it's the love that keeps you warm

Let this moment be forever
we won't ever feel the storm
I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out

I love no other way
What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?
Don't try to tell me it's all over
I can't hear a word I can't hear a line
No man could love you more
And that's what I'm cryin' for
You can't change the way I feel inside

You're the reason for my laughter and my sorrow
Blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow
No man on earth can stand
between my love and I
And no matter how you hurt me
I will love you till I die

I ain't no vision, I am the man
who loves you inside out
backwards and forwards with
my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What am I gonna do if we lose that fire?

I used to hear the Bee Gees every day on the radio station I listen to. I don't hear them played any more. I'm not sure if it is because the radio station has changed its format or if it is because I hardly listen to the radio any more. They have a new morning show that I really haven't gotten used to and I wind up putting in one of my CDs.

Or maybe it's a God thing. I always conjured up images of one of my acquaintances when I hear the Bee Gees played. A lot of wishful thinking- yeah, I thought he was slurpalicous. But it wasn't reality.

2009-09-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

Nota, an Al-Anon friend of mine, and I have had a rather lively bunch of e-mail exchanges. It seems Linda had asked her help with obtaining some speaker tapes. Apparently the sometimes pushy Linda had pushed too much and Nota was kinda fed up. She sent me Linda's e-mail by mistake. I responded by telling her that I had no idea what she was talking about and that she had already done enough for Linda. I ended the e-mail with, "Breathe, Nota, breathe." She e-mailed me today to tell me that those e-mails became the Al-Anon topic at her meeting last night. She covered reacting, taking care of self, and the slogan "How important is it" while allowing Linda and I to remain anonymous.

2009-09-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

Time of the Season

As sung by the Zombies

It's the time of the season
When the love runs high
In this time, give it to me easy
And let me try
With pleasured hands

To take you and the sun to
Promised lands
To show you every one
It's the time of the season for loving

What's your name?
(What's your name?)
Who's your daddy?
(Who's your daddy? He rich?)
Is he rich like me?

Has he taken
(Has he taken)
Any time
(Any time to show)
To show you what you need to live?
Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what?
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving

What's your name?
(What's your name?)
Who's your daddy?
(Who's your daddy? He rich?)
Is he rich like me?

Has he taken
(Has he taken)
Any time
(Any time to show)
To show you what you need to live?
Tell it to me slowly
Tell you what?
I really want to know
It's the time of the season for loving

I heard this music playing in the back ground of a program I was watching today. There were no words. It was just the melody. I kept listening and soon I was humming. It was driving me crazy. I couldn't remember what the name of the song was. All I kept hearing in my head was, "What's your name? Whose your daddy?" I had to look it up. Not sure what any of it means for me.

I had an interview today with the special education director of the county. I'm one of three that she is making a decision on. She said I am the only one interviewed that had experience in what she was looking at and I came with ideas. I'm not going to hold my breath on this. I hope I get the job but if I don't, oh, well. I tried.

2009-09-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Loves Me Like a Rock

As sung by Paul Simon

When I was a little boy, (when I was just a boy)
And the devil would call my name (when I was just a boy)
I'd say now who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (when I was just a boy)
I'm a consecrated boy (when I was just a boy)
I'm a singer in a Sunday choir
Oh , my mama loves, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

When I was grown to be a man (grown to be a man)
And the devil would call my name (grown to be a man)
I'd say now who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (grown to be a man)
I'm a consummated man (grown to be a man)
I can snatch a little purity
My mama loves me, she loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me
She love me, love me, love me, love me

And if I was president (was the president)
The minute congress call my name (was the president)
I'd say who do,
Who do you think you're fooling? (who do you think youre fooling)
I've got the presidential seal (was the president)
I'm up on the presidential podium
My mama loves me
She loves me
She get down on her knees and hug me
Like she loves me like a rock
She rocks me like the rock of ages
And loves me

Fade out:
She love me, love me, love me, love me
(loves me like a rock)

I have no idea why this song popped into my head today but that line, "who do you think you're fooling" was what kept going through my mind. I was trying to wrap my head around why Beck was so off kilter today. She was, as Elyce puts it, "pressing" me into doing stuff. It was like her eye was totally focused on me. She kept plugging away with a sense of urgency. I felt cornered, hemmed in. I lost my serenity momentarily and then I remembered the Four Agreements that my sponsor gave me. One of them says, "What others do and say has nothing to do with you. What others say and do is them." So, I kind of backed off from how her behavior made me feel and I looked at the situation a little differently. She had asked to meet for lunch because she was out of sorts to begin. Then came the phone call about all the rain and the snake that got into the barn. Her sense of urgency had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

I believe she was trying to stuff whatever what bothering her by moving her focus from the real problem to me. Yes, I am not doing so well in the job hunting department, but I'm okay financially for now. All I have is now. I can't worry about tomorrow.

Yes, I keep hitting a brick wall with the newspaper. They have promised twice to put the add in the paper about the World War II book that I'm working on. But even that isn't an urgent endeavor. We do have surveys coming in from the vets.

From that she turned to Al-Anon and wanting to get the word out that we exist. She wants to see more people in the meeting. People come and go. It's the ebb and flow of recovery. It's not something we have control over. Besides, I learned my lesson about public relations a few years back. All you can do is post flyers. You can't go beat the bushes to solicit members. It doesn't work that way. At any rate I hope she eventually calms down. If not, the meeting Monday night will be one hell of a lulu.

2009-09-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd say this but I'm actually grateful to be in the situation I am in at present. The Swine 'Flu is going through the school system like crazy. I'm being spared that.

I've heard from Vicki today. After speaking with her, I've decided that teachers have less than 10% chance of being able to discipline the students when they become out of control. And parents who back their wild children sue if the teacher tries to regain control of the classroom. It makes me glad I'm not teaching at present.

I don't know what the world is coming to. I don't worry about such things. I am content to take care of my small part. I'm ever so grateful to be at a peaceful place in my life right now. Sure, there are things I dislike about my situation but I've learned that those are the things I have the least amount of imput about. So, I resolve to become content whatever my situation may be. It's easy enough to focus on the things I do not have. But where would that get me? I'd rather concentrate on the things that are being provided for me. By doing that I remain in the moment and maintain an attitude of gratitude.

Yesterday I heard from three of my four sponsees. Becky wants to do lunch one day this week. She feels the need to escape work. Not sure what's going on but I'm grateful she chose to escape with me. Elyce needed to vent and to calm down. I'm still unsure how I came to be the calm one. Seems rather strange to me. I always had such a hair trigger temper. Linda wanted to talk about the latest snags in her house hunting. She also wanted to issue an invitation to visit any time I want. I know I can visit. The problem is that I financially can't.

Uncle Billy Bob called last night. Yes, I actually have an Uncle Billy Bob. I also had an Aunt Bea at one time, too. I guess that makes me the quintecential Southerner, huh? Any way, Uncle Billy Bob called to ask about my brother. It seems Barry called him a little while back. He was impressed at how much calmer Barry is and wanted to know how he came to be living in Lebanon. It's kind of funny to me. None of the family wants to be involved with decision making when the problem is up close in personal. Oh, they'll support any decision you make but to actually get their hands dirty- forget it. You might as well be on a deserted island. No one shows up. At least that's what my experience with both sides of the family has been. But Uncle Billy Bob did remember that I tried several years ago to get Barry into a situation like this but failed. So, maybe it wasn't such a bad conversation.

2009-09-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

I've begun to put together a scrap book of my twenty years of teaching. Has it really been twenty years? Where did time go? I have actually found pictures of when I did one of my student teachings back in 1987. So, I've actually got 22 years of teaching mapped out here. Gosh, the memories and emotions that have come back to me are unreal. Was I really that person with the Sally Jessie Raphael red, big frame glasses? Did I really coach basketball? I've not only changed a lot physically but I've evolved as a human being.

In November I will be telling my story for the third time in a speaker meeting. I've been remembering all the Joey stuff as Elyce calls daily for some ESH. I'm also remembering some of the childhood stuff as Mom talks about Dad and Linda talks about her own father. But today the stuff that came to me were about who I am or was apart from being the child of an alcoholic and the wife of one. I looked at who I was when I was at work and sometimes lived away from my family. Wow, I can't begin to tell you how much of a revolation that was! I also found a deck of cards that I had in my classroom at KDS. The box had been taped and retaped with a written plea for the students not to tear up the box further. It never dawned on me to put the cards in another container. I could only think about keeping them in the original box.

I looked at the pictures from KDS and I saw two of my students that wound up in prison with Joey- James and Junior. That in itself was another huge thing to deal with. Even though their incarceration has nothing to do with me, it makes me think of the teacher I used to be. I used to be unwilling to let go of people. I felt impelled to write to or phone former students just to let them know I cared. I see now that I was trying to fill the God shaped hole I had inside of me with surrounding myself with people who needed me.

Monday night Becky and I began our Tradition Study with Mary Pearl's workshop material. I remember one of the questions being "Are you a giver or a taker?" I have and can be both. I think I'm more of a giver. I give until I have nothing left to give. But I've also been a very needy person. I've always wanted someone to worry over me the way they worried over my brother. Truthfully, if people did that for me now, I think it would send me running in the opposite direction because I'd feel smothered or as if they felt I was totally incompetent.

Man, what a difference time makes in how you feel about yourself. Today I don't want to be needed. I had that with Joey and I felt used. I know what I'm looking for today in my relationships. My definition of frienship has changed dramatically over the past few years. Linda's helped me with that. She says that if I'm the one who is always reaching out first, the relationship is only in my mind. Friendship is give and take. Each person should feel comfortable beginning the conversation- it shouldn't fall to that one person all the time. And you know something? She's right. So, I don't e-mail or phone as much because I want to give the other person the opportunity to reach out to me. It's that old, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

When I go into see my therapist, she always asks me, "How's your love life?" I have none. But I know what I want in that, too. I don't feel it is so necessary for me to be in a relationship. If I am, I am and if I'm not, I'm not. Either way, I'm okay. Before I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because I felt incomplete. These days I know that I was merely looking for my Higher Power. Now that I have that relationship, I don't feel like something is missing.

Does any of this make sense?

2009-09-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

If I Were a Rich Girl

As sung by Gwen Stefani

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na x2

If I was a rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold
And I know

If I was rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

I'd get me four Harajuku girls too (uh huh)
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked
I'd give them names (yeah)
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, won't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold
And I know

[Eve]
Come together all over the world
From the hoods in Japan
Harajuku girls
What, It's all love
What, Give it up
What (shouldn't matter [4x])
What
Come together all over the world
From the hoods in Japan
Harajuku girls
What, It's all love
What, Give it up
What (shouldn't matter [4x])
What happened to my life
Turned upside down
Chicks dat blew ya mind
Ding, it's the second round
(Original track and ting, mmm)
You know you can't buy these things (no)
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B.
I rock the Fetish people
You know who I am

[Gwen Stefani + Eve]:
Yes ma'am, we got the style that's wicked
I hope you can all keep up
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
Now we ain't gettin' nothin' but love

[Gwen Stefani]:
If I was rich girl na na na na na na na na na na na na na na
See, I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me
Impress me
My cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na x3

2009-09-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Moonshadow

As sung by Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow

and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, well...
I won’t have to work no more

and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colors all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh well …
I won't have to cry no more.

yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow

and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
oh if I ever lose my legs
oh well...
I won't have to walk no more

And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh well...
I won't have to talk...

Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow

I have no idea why this song jumped into my head today. I like the idea of a faithful light following me. There's some security in that.

I also see a little relief in losing things as it is put in this song. It's almost like looking at the things I wouldn't have to do any more. I kind of feel like that right now. I don't have a job. I don't have to get up early any more. I can stay in bed as long as I want to and if I need a nap later in the day I can take one. I'm not hard pressed to do anything really. And yet.... I really do want a job. I feel kind of lost.
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow

2009-09-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

Mom and I went swimming this morning. It was good to get out and exercise some tired, painful muscles. I love the hot tub!

Last week I convinced Dr. Graves to let me come off of one of my antidepressants. It was bringing me way down. I no longer had any energy. It's only been a few days but I can already tell the difference.

Becky gave me an application for a new group home opening up here in town. I faxed my application from Leg Up TRC. She gave me one to pass on to Carrie as well. I also sent my resume to Centerstone in Columbia for the Case Manager job that has become open. Melanie encouraged me to do that. I'm really hoping something will come my way soon. I'm doing okay. In fact, I can't believe how well I'm coping, but I'd really like a job.

2009-09-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Let'em In

As sung by Paul McCartney

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,
Open the door and let 'em in(repeat)

Sister Suzie, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil And Don,
Brother Michael, Auntie Gin,
Open the door,let 'em in.
Sister Suzi, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil and Don,
Uncle Ernie,Auntie Gin
open the door, let em in

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,open the door and let em in
oo yeah let em in

Sister Suzi, brother John,
Martin Luther, Phil and Don, ooo
Uncle Ernie,Uncle Ian
open the door let em in

Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Someone's knockin' at the door
Somebody's ringin' the bell
Do me a favor,open the door and let em in
yeah yeah yeah

I have no idea why this song popped into my head this morning except that it sure did go along with the top from this week's Awakening group. The topic is compassion, which has a lot to do with acceptance.

Hey, I'm struggling with some things right now. I'm not sure what they have to do with the song or the topic but I need to talk about them with someone. Thankfully I have a therapy session this week.

My ex called, that's weirded me out.
I've agreed to sponsor Becky which seems odd to me because she has more time in the program than I do. I've also agreed to go with her to Al-Anon Day this next weekend even though I'm not really looking forward to it. I just don't fit in with that group and would rather not go. I only offered because Becky seems to terrified of helping with the workshop.
Elyce is calling a lot and it is very obvious that she's put my name out there as being somehow responsible for helping with her finances. Shit! I don't even have a job and I'm living on an unemployment check. I have just enough to take care of me. I'm a little annoyed by this. Then when I offer her some suggestions about what to do in her situation she ignores me and continues to dig herself in deeper. I was there once. I know how she feels but even I knew when to step off of the merry-go-round.

2009-09-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Joey called here the other day. He left a message about school. I have no idea what he's talking about. To tell you the truth I was surprised to hear from him. I figured he'd be back in prison by now on a parole violation. He didn't leave a number for me to call him back as he asked me to and I erased all of the unknown numbers from the Caller ID. I'm not sure I would have called him back anyway. I had a dream about him the other day that wasn't very pleasant. So, I know I don't need to have anything to do with him.

On the plus side, I'm doing okay even though I do not have a job yet. Becky asked me to be her sponsor and I said I would until someone better suited for her came along. I mean there is only she and I. She doesn't have much to choose from. I also agreed to go with her to Al-Anon Day even though I'm not really into that scene any more. I'm going to support her because she is nervous.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Alley
B- Becky, Barry, the Bassham family
C- Clean clothes, computer
D- Dryer, Dr. Graves because he changed my medication
E- Energy
F- Food in the kitchen
G- God, George
H- health (it's getting better)
I- internet
J- Jacuzzi
K- Kimberly my prison sponsee
L- Linda
M- Mom, memories, Melanie
N- Necklace (my crucifix necklace), naps
O- Onions
P- Potpouri
Q- Quiet
R- Radio, roof over my head
S- Serenity, swimming pool, scented candles
T- Transportation, Tiger
U- Umbrella
V- Voice
W- Washing machine
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zinnias

2009-08-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

One Night in Bangkok

From the musical Chess
Also sung by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Bangkok, Oriental city
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner
Time flies -- doesn't seem a minute
Since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change -- don't you know that when you
Play at this level there's no ordinary venue
It's Iceland -- or the Philippines -- or Hastings -- or -- or this place!

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One town's very like another
When your head's down over your pieces, brother

It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city

Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town --

Tea, girls, warm and sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite

Get Thai'd! You're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha
And thank God I'm only watching the game -- controlling it --
I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you
So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours --

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

I heard this song on the radio as I drove to pick up my brother in Lebanon. The DJ on WZYP dedicated it to his deceased friend. He says he does it every year on the anniversary of his death. I thought that was sweet. But it got me to thinking about other things.

I actually got to thinking about the game of chess and my old boyfriend Mohammed Itmaiza. But I also thought about how we mistake the words we hear to mean something totally different. I remember thinking that this song was about something other than the game of chess when it came out years ago. It also made me realize how much I've grown as a human being. I honestly don't care what others do in their personal life. They do their thing and I do my thing.

2009-08-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
From: Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

I've talked to my brother a couple of times today. He did not get the letter in the mail from Cumberland University. I'm beginning to think they mailed it to my PO Box. He's still obsessing over this. I feel badly for him. I could tell him what I already know- that he's been turned down- but Peggy is still working on something for him. Besides it is better that it come from the college than from me. If I tell him, he will blame me. Oh, I want so badly to fix this for him but I can't- this is beyond my control.

Today for the first time in forty-four years of life, my brother told me that he loves me. Now that is a miracle!

Becky's husband, Mark, called today to see if he could be of service with my World War II project. I told him to come on down to the library on Saturday. We have plenty that he can help us with. We're running out of volunteers.

Phillip and Charlotte are going to help me that my torn up chest of drawers to the dump tomorrow. It's the last piece to the bedroom suit I purchased when I lived in Murfreesboro. The bed frame was given to a family in need and I gave away the dresser to Darcy's daughter. It's kind of ironic that all of my furniture is made up of odds and ends. But somehow it expresses my personality. I got the new shower curtains hung in the closet doorways. They look a whole lot better than the Indian print that I had hanging there. Besides the Indian print was a left over reminder of my marriage to Joey. I had decorated our bedroom in those colors.

I sold the wrecked truck today for $300! That's my rent money. It was sold and towed away within fifteen minutes. Two hours later another person called about it and I had to tell them that I had already sold it. God is really taking care of me.

I slept less today. Not sure why. Maybe I see more hope or maybe it was because I was in less pain. At any rate I feel pretty good.

2009-08-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Cumberland University rejected Barry's application. I called this morning because he seemed to be getting the run around. I didn't ask why they rejected him. I figure it had something to do with his transcript. But colleges have been known to accept autistic, schizophrenic and bi-polar people before so I can't understand why they'd turn him down.

I feel badly for him. This was the ace in the hole that I used to get him to Lebanon in the first place. He was doing so well. I'm not sure how this will affect him. There isn't anything I can do. I am sitting here minus a job and straddling the fence. I couldn't take care of him or help him in any way. He needs to stay where he is. Peggy is going to see what she can do to help. She knows someone who works at the college.

I feel about the same as he does- rejected. I keep sending out my resume, filling out applications and going on interviews only to be turned down. I know there's a job out there for me somewhere. But I'm losing the faith. And I feel so alone.

2009-08-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like a displaced person. I really have nowhere that I belong. I have no job and my family has moved away to good places. Is this what it feels like to be retired and have an empty nest? Feels weird.

I went swimming today. I had almost talked myself out of it because it seemed ridiculous to drive to another town just to partake of a heated swimming pool. But I'm glad I went. I felt better after the hour long swim.

2009-08-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Mom finally went home. I went to get her on Wednesday before my interview in Columbia. She and I rode to Lebanon to celebrate Barry's birthday with him. It was a nice visit with Barry. He's changed for the better. He apparently needed a medication change the same as Mom did.

Mom stayed for five days. We had a good visit. She went into the helpful/controlling mother mode. I've tried to reassure her that everything is okay and will get better. No, I do not have a job. No, there isn't a prospect of one on the horizon. But I'm still plugging away. In the meantime, I do collect unemployment. In some ways I may be in better shape financially than when I did work. I have less to spend my money on.

Mom's worried about me being alone so much. I'm rarely alone. She keeps pointing out to me all the eligible widowers at church. Oh, brother. Big eye roll on that one. Not that I would turn down an invitation out- but really, I'm okay. She tells me that Joey broke my heart but there are still "nice" men out there. Maybe one of these would help me get past all the Joey stuff. I don't know. Once bitten twice shy. I really don't want to get into a relationship with someone who might treat me the way that Joey did. And since I can't be sure that these men are different, I'm afraid to risk it. Oh, I had thoughts of something with that guy from Loretto but he pretty much shot that down. So, I've just been focused on getting through one day at a time minus a love interest. It's less complicated that way.

2009-08-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Say

As sung by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say (8x)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say (8x)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
(Fade)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

2009-08-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Swim

As sung by Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
For nights that won’t end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah, you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
But I'm not giving in
Swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love

Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

I heard this song for the first time today and I liked it. It speaks volumes to me.

Hey, I'm supposed to be the Al-Anon speaker at the Childersburg group's anniversary on Nov. 7. Linda convinced the committee that since there is now an Al-Anon group meeting in the building that there should also be an Al-Anon speaker at the celebration. I wasn't first choice, Beau's daughter, Cissy, was because she began in Alateen. I'm not upset about being second choice. It's all in the name of love.

My World War I book is now about to be a reality. The Historical Society committee plans to print about 20 copies. Wow! At the onset it was only going to be 3 or 4 copies but there is a demand for the books.

I've got progress coming on the World War II book. People are hearing about it word of mouth and coming in to talk to me when I work at the library. The newspaper is supposed to be working on something about it so that we can do a survey on the veterans who are still living. George said he was going to light a fire under them but he might also take a part of the survey and put it in the next bulletin. We went down to look at the WWII artifacts that the museum has downstairs at the library and found tons of things that can be photographed to go in the book. I'm excited!

I've got a lead on a job in Madison, AL. Three Springs wants to do a phone interview with me if I can submit an application. I've tried a couple of times to get onto that website but it boots me out when I try to log onto the application. Oh, well. This may be God saying, "No." There is also a good chance that Bobby Busch will need a Life Skills teacher at College Hill. He told me to keep watching the postings.

I'm really not all that bummed out. I am, believe it or not, kind of glad I didn't go back to school this week with all the other teachers and assistants. It's a relief. So, maybe I need to be looking in another direction. I was mistaken for a caregiver this morning while I was out with the Basshams. A retired male nurse chatted me up while we were at the Good Will Store in Lawrenceburg. He mistook me to be their aide. It is something I'm custom made for but Buffalo River Services, Inc. were not taking applications, and, word on the street is that, Impact is about to totally upset their apple cart by moving all clients into Columbia. So, I'm not sure where else to look.

2009-07-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

I may be down but I'm not out. I pawned my bike for gas money so that I could go job hunting. I've got the wrecked truck sold but my neighbor hasn't paid me for it yet. I'm keeping afloat.

2009-07-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of my brother! I was impressed with the progress that he has made in 3 short months. The change in medicine has been wonderful for him. He's calmer and talks to himself less. The change in eating habits is better too. His blood sugar is in the normal range for the first time. Unfortunately we learned on Monday just how much damage he'd done to his eyesight with his mismanagement of his diabetes. But there is hope in that, too.

He took the news of his apartment very well. In fact, he refers to his place in Lebanon as home now. I'm so glad. I was afraid he'd blow up on me.

Further news- I still don't have a job but I'm not giving up.

2009-07-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow after mass I'll be picking up Barry from the group home. He's coming down to get his new glasses and to fill out a form to have a transcript sent from the high school to Cumberland University. He's in for a rude awakening. The apartment he once lived in is rented out. I figured it was time for closure for him. He needs to work on living in the present. He's like I used to be- he lives in the past while worrying over the future. Not an easy way to do this. I figured it was better to just rip the band aid off and go with it. Pray for me. This could get ugly.

2009-07-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

Rock of Ages

Def Leppard

Gunter glieben glauchen globen
Alright
I got something to say
Yeah, it's better to burn out
Yeah, than fade away
All right
Ow
Gonna start a fire
Cmon!

Rise up! gather round
Rock this place to the ground
Burn it up let's go for broke
Watch the night go up in smoke
Rock on! (rock on!)
Drive me crazier, no serenade
No fire brigade, just pyromania, c'mon

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, yes I do
Long live rock 'n roll

Oh let's go, let's strike a light
We're gonna blow like dynamite
I don't care if it takes all night
Gonna set this town alight, c'mon

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, alright!
Long live rock 'n roll, oh yeah

Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', rocknrollin'

We got the power, got the glory
Just say you need it and if you need it
Say yeah!
Ooh yeah
Heh heh heh heh

Now listen to me
I'm burnin', burnin', I got the fever
I know for sure, there ain't no cure
So feel it, don't fight it, go with the flow
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme one more for the road

What do you want? what do you want?
I want rock 'n roll, you betcha
Long live rock 'n roll

Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', keep a-rollin'
Rock of ages, rock of ages
Still rollin', rock 'n rollin'

We got the power, got the glory
Just say you need it and if you need it
Say yeah!
Say yeah!
We're gonna burn this damn place down, woo hoo
Down to the ground

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

I'm not really sure why this song popped into my head just now but I had the title all wrong. I thought the name of it was "Pyromania". There's something about that line "better to burn out than fade away" that speaks to me. It reminds me of Mollie who sat in on our Al-Anon meeting Monday night. It also reminds me of the movie "Rent", which I've also been thinking about today.

2009-07-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

I went to an open AA meeting in Childersburg on July 2. The topic was pain. Ever since then the line from a song keeps going through my head- "this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees." It has dawned on me more than once about how we each have to hit a bottom, whether we are an alcoholic, addict or the family of one, before we will drop to our knees and seek out our Higher Power. It happened to me two years ago. And that time where I prostated myself at His feet has made all the difference in me.

Here I am two years after that in a similiar situation without any of that anxiety that I had before. I'm still in prayer but my faith has multiplied to the point that I don't worry as I used to. Oh, I slip now and then because I'm human but I quickly get myself back on the narrow path.

I used to worry about falling so short of that mark of perfection. I don't bother with that any more. I do not strive to be perfect because it would be a hopeless, useless ideal to chase. I will never be perfect. But I can be a better version of what I used to be and that is what I strive to become.

2009-07-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

Alley came back yesterday. Wish she could tell me how she got out and where she's been. Cocoa came up dead in the parking lot by the most unusual circumstances. Wish Barry's cat could tell me what happened as he saw the whole thing.

You know, I believe our pets are loyal and that's great but it sure would be nice to be privy to what they know.

Della and the Dealer

As sung by Hoyt Axton

It was Della and a dealer and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo,
Left the city in a pick-up truck.
Gonna make some dreams come true.
Yeah, they rolled out west where the wild sun sets,
And the coyote bays at the moon.
Della and a dealer and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Down Tucson way there's a small cafe,
Where they play a little cowboy tune.
And the guitar picker was a friend of mine,
By the name of Randy Boone.

Yeah, Randy played her a sweet love song,
And Della got a fire in her eye.
The Dealer had a knife and the dog had a gun,
And the cat had a shot of rye.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Yeah, the Dealer was a killer; he was evil and mean,
And he was jealous of the fire in her eyes.
He snorted his coke through a century note,
And he swore that Boone would die.

And the stage was set when the lights went out,
There was death in Tucson town.
Two shadows ran for the bar back door,
But one stayed on the ground.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

Two shadows ran from the bar that night,
And a dog and a cat ran too.
And the tires got hot on the pickup truck,
As down the road they flew.

It was Della and her lover and a dog named Jake,
And a cat named Kalamazoo.
Left Tucson in a pickup truck.
Gonna make some dreams come true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If that cat could talk, what tales he'd tell,
About Della and the Dealer and the dog as well.
But the cat was cool,
And he never said a mumblin' word.

2009-07-09T13:07:00.000-07:00

Gratitude list for today:

AA, Al-Anon, Alley even though she was only with for a little while, air conditioning, apartment
Barry
Cocoa, Charlotte, cable, clean clothes
Diet Coke
Elyce
Faith, family, friends
God, grace
Hope
Ice, internet
Jerri- my new AA friend in Childersburg, Jimmy
Krystals
Linda
Mass, meditation, Mom, Marian
Note books
Okra
Prayer, Phillip even though he's beginning to get on my nerves
Question marks
Rosary,radio
Silence, serenity
Tomatoes, tape recorders, telephone
Understanding
Voice mail
Windows, Wal-Mart
Xena
Yvonne
Zinnias

2009-07-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'm visiting with Linda until Tuesday. Since I got here yesterday I've put in application at the local school board and met her recovery community. I got my hair cut today, too.

I don't know. I'm mixed up about what tomorrow holds. No job. Not sure what will come later. Have to have hope.

2009-06-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

This is the song that came to mind during the Al-Anon meeting tonight. We read in the new book, Discovering Choices. There was a paragraph about breathing in and out and the song just came to me. I love the chorus. It really sounds like a 12 Step program.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

As sung by Chris Cagle

Lately I've been runnin'
Into our old friends
And somewhere in the small talk
Someone always asks where you've been
So I tell them what you told me
And they can't believe we're through
They ask me what I'm doin' now
And in case you're wonderin' too

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

I've got every reason
To find someone new
Cause you swore up and down to me
That I've seen the last of you
But the way that you loved me
Girl, left me hopin' and holdin' on
So until this world stops turning round
And my heart believes you're gone

I breathe in I breathe out
Put one foot in front of the other
Take one day at a time
'Til you find
I'm that someone you can't live without
Until then
I breathe in and breathe out

We were meant to be
Girl, there's no doubt
And if it takes the rest of my life
For you to figure it out

2009-06-27T06:18:00.000-07:00

We didn't sleep well last night. I was worried about Alley and Mom thought someone was trying to break in. It was a rough night.

2009-06-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

Alley is missing. The last time one of my cats came up missing my ex was in the picture. I always suspected that he took my cat. He left his cat, Cocoa, and took my cat, Silver. I hate to think that's he's figured out where I am and again has left Cocoa and taken my cat. I don't know what else to think. I can't find her. It's like losing a child I think. I don't know what else to do but pray.

2009-06-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

Total Eclipse of the Heart

As sung by Bonnie Tyler

(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turnaround)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little
bit restless and i dream of something wild
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and im lying like a child in your arms
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
(repeat 2x)

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can say
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart
Total eclipse of the heart

Wow! I heard this song on the radio today and so many memories came rushing back. Just now I was watching TV and it popped into my head again. For some reason this time I'm thinking of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, both of whom died today. Their memories will cast a shadow on us all for one reason or another.

2009-06-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

For Those About to Rock

As sung by AC/DC

Oh Yeah, yeah
We're roll tonight
To the guitar bite
Yeah, yeah, oh

Stand up and be counted
For what you are about to receive
We are the dealers
We'll give you everything you need
Hail hail to the good times
'Cause rock has got the right of way
We ain't no legend, ain't no cause
We're just livin' for today

For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you

We rock at dawn on the front line
Like a bolt right out of the blue
The sky's alight with the guitar bite
Heads will roll and rock tonight

For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
Yes we do
For those about to rock, we salute you
Oooh, salute!
Oooh, ooooh yeah

We're just a battery for hire with a guitar fire
Ready and aimed at you
Pick up your balls and load up your cannon
For a twenty-one gun salute

For those about to rock - fire
We salute you
For those about to rock, we salute you
Those about to rock - fire
We salute you
Fire
We salute you
We salute you

Come on, whooa
For those about to rock, we salute you (x4)
Shoot, shoot (x2)
For those who give
For those who take
For those left high
And those on the make
We salute you
Yeah
(Ain't gonna get tired, won't take a break, we salute you.)
We salute you (x3)
Fire

I'm not sure why this song popped into my small brain tonight. But when I look at the lyrics I see so much about the generation I come from. We were the "Me" generation. It was all about the good times and what was in it for "me". But you know what? I think that's true of every teenage generation. Teenagers are egocentric. I think this song is an anthem to teenagers. Now why it popped into the mind of a 44 year old, I have no idea.

I've been on a quest within my own mind these last two weeks. I've been going on interviews, turning in applications and mailing out resumes. It's about what I want to be when I grow up or, better put, what I will do with the rest of my life.

It's also about wanting to define who I am, to hone in on what that means. I've thought about changing back to my maiden name rather than going by my married name but I don't have the money for that right now.

I've thought about friendships and whether I have any or not. It's ironic that friendships have sprouted up in the most peculiar places. I still think about past friendships but I don't necessarily miss them any more. Even Melanie commented on that. I think the whole friendship/ love thing boils down to acceptance anyway. It's about me accepting people as they are and being accepted in return. When that comes along, it's rare and invaluable. I think it's about loving people unconditionally, not expecting anything from them, and vice versa. Now that is even more rare.

I've looked at my own sanity or insanity. And I've come to a conclusion. It's all a matter of perception. I don't question myself so much any more. I do still have days when I think the events going on around me are unreal, not reality. That's when I turn to my Higher Power or program people for help. Sometimes my perception isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I've also decided that when the going gets rough, I'm going to stay on my own little island in the "serenity zone." My peace of mind is more important to me than anything else right now.

There are still things that I want for myself- a loving permanent relationship, financial security, a place to call my own, and a purpose- and I strive toward them inch by inc. The trouble is that sometimes those inches seem more like light years when I view them from a distance. They seem unattainable. So, I just pray for God to light my path. It's all I know to do. I have to put my faith in a Higher Power because man is fallible.

2009-06-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

I Gotta Be Me

As sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

2009-06-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

You know what they say about the grass being greener on the other side? Don't believe it! It's not greener. It's just another shade of green.

I've spent several days with the little family of three that has adopted me. Each of them has some form of mental retardation. Each of them has a different talent or gift. Separately they are very easy to tolerate. Together- well, let's just say, "three's a crowd." They try to talk over each other. They vie for the attention of the person they are with. Each talking at the same time or they finish the sentence of the other. It's chaos and insanity. I used to live in that. But Barry was more of a loner and went to his room when it got to be too much. Mom also preferred serenity of a sort. So, I'm beginning to see that my family wasn't so bad after all. We were an insane bunch, a nutty bunch, but we were okay.

2009-06-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

Philip and Charlotte helped me get all the things that needed to be donated into the truck. We went to Safe Haven first here in town but it wasn't open. So we took a nice drive over to Lawrenceburg. They had wanted to see Mom anyway. Their son, Jimmy talked about going to see Mom all the way there, saying the same thing over and over. (It's like talking to Barry when he was younger.) When we got to Lawrenceburg we went to the Good Will store first to drop off the boxes because it was threatening to rain. Then we went to see Mom. I had them stand in front of me when we knocked on her door and I told them to yell, "Surprise!" She was tickled to to see them. Charlotte remarked more than once about how much better Mom looks these days. They're wanting her to come by and see them while she's visiting next week, too.

I think I've finally been adopted. Isn't funny that I got adopted by the same insanity that my family has? Go figure.

I was sitting here looking out the window as I played solataire on my computer and a song came to me. Apparently it is one that used to be sang on some of the old church programs we used to watch.

Something Good is Going to Happen to You

Something good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is, honey
Something good's gonna happen to you
Well, all right now

I lost all faith in man
But you took by my hand
Said that I looked just for you
We're gonna prove that
You're really true now

Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is now
Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
Well, all right

I didn't give in fast
That kind of love never lasts
Then at night, you had no rest
Makes me know that you
Passed the test now

Something (something)
Oh, good's gonna happen to you

Oh, oh, oh, yeah
I'm gonna love you right
Morning, noon and night
Love you when you call
'Cause you deserve it all

Oh, that's why
Something (something)
Oh, good's gonna happen to you
Yes, it is
Something (something)
Good's gonna happen to you
I'm gonna make it

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, ooh
Something good's gonna happen to you
Something good's gonna happen to you

I'm gonna make it happen
I got to make it happen
So sweet, you're so nice
So good, that's why

2009-06-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

Speak the truth. Feel your feelings. I don't know why people tell you that in the recovery rooms. No one wants to hear my particular truth or hear about my feelings.

What is truth anyway? It's relative. My truth isn't the same as anyone else's. Does it make them wrong and me right? No.

And why should I feel my feelings? I respond or react to something said or done only to learn that the other person has denied saying or doing it. I'm left looking foolish or insane. Wouldn't it be better to coast along in a medicated haze and pretend that everyone else isn't here?

And yet- that wouldn't be living.

So here's my truth. I'm living in faith. I'm praying for an all out miracle. I need a job because if I don't have one by the end of July, I'll be homeless. I have two more paychecks from my teaching job and then there's nothing. I can't get my brother to accept his situation. He wants to hang onto me for dear life like a drowning man who takes down another. It's disheartening.

Feelings? I've run the gamut. I've tried to steer clear of people who illicit strong feelings one way or another. I've been focusing on myself and what is in front of me. Today I tackled the spare bedroom and got every tote to fit into the closets. I've got 8 boxes of books and toys to take to Safe Haven or Good Will tomorrow with Philip's help. Now I just need to get Barry's stuff out of here.

2009-06-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to hang out in my PJ's all day. Not feeling well. Hate to miss mass but I feel kind of unworthy this morning of that unconditional love. Did something that I need absolution for but I don't want to talk to Father Jose. Can't relate to him.

I'm also not going to go into Lawrenceburg today. I've got limited gas. Interview in Fayetteville is very important. Got to get to it. If I have gas for a visit to Lawrenceburg, I'll see Mom tomorrow after the interview.

Back hurts. I'm kind of laying around.

2009-06-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

The Funky Judge

As sung by Bull and the Matadors

I didn't do it
I didn't do it, officer
I didn't do it, his honor
I didn't do it

Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now, listen
I didn't do it, your honor
I didn't do it, judge

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be funky)
Judge, you sure is funky

Judge, judge, judge
Judge, judge, oww

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now, listen
I didn't do it, your honor
What she told you was a lie
I call on my mother, woo
She'll give you a alibi

I didn't do it, your honor
She told you a lie
And now you're gonna
Send me away and
I wanna know why

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky
(Good God almighty)
Judge, you sure is funky
Judge, you sure is funky

Now listen
I didn't do it, your honor
I didn't do it, judge

Judge, you sure is funky
(Got to be a funky judge)
Judge, you sure is funky

Judge, judge, judge
Judge, judge, oww
Judge

(Where you from, boy)
I'm from Alabama, your honor
(Seventeen years) what
I didn't do it

When I was about 9 or 10 years old my mother bought me a record player. Seems like a million years ago. They don't even make record players or albums any more. One of the first 45's she got me was The Funky Judge. I couldn't remember who sang it or even the name of it until it came to me a little while ago. For some reason the memory of this song and my record player came rushing back to me as I sat thinking about the movie "Fame" which has been playing on BET all weekend. Any way, I loved this song because there were these bass parts mixed in with the high tenor that could easily have been done without musical instruments.

Fame, the movie, brings back lots of memories for me. I am Doris. There is no doubt in my mind. But I'm also very easily Coco. I'm ordinary but I don't fit in. I'm attracted to the Ralph Garcy's of the world and I befriend the Montgomery's. I think I attract a lot of the Bruno's. Unless you've seen the movie, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Gratitude list for today:

A- Alley, my ever neurotic cat, antidepressants
B- Beau, Bicentennial trading cards, Becky, Bruno
C- Charlotte, clean clothes, Cocoa
D- Dr. Haney, Doris
E- Elyce, Ellen, eyeglasses
F- Faith, Fame
G- God, George
H- hope, humor, home, hot cakes
I- internet
J- Jimmy
K- kindness
L- Linda, lemon pepper chicken, library
M- Montomery, Mom, memories, microfilm readers
N- notes
O- orchids, okra, oatmeal, ordinary
P- Philip
Q- quiet
R- Ralph Garcy, research
S- serenity
T- talent, Tiger
U- understanding, underwear
V- Vicki
W- wisdom to know the difference
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz